Work has been driving me nuts lately. I thought that maybe if I changed firms, things would be better but I hate to say it: they've gotten worse.
I've had people tell me that I need to change my perception and negativity and just get on with it. Afterall, I'm getting married in about 3 months and with a mortgage on the way as well, I really can't afford to be unemployed. Fair point, I suppose but not when the very thought of being here makes me want to lie down on a busy highway and get run over just so that I can get medical leave and not have to come to work.
People have asked me what it is that I hate about my job so much and for awhile, I could not put it into words. Now though, I can't stop:
1. The work scope. I have never really cared for anything finance/company law related. Big banks suing people for loans, rich companies suing other rich companies for money. People suing other people for damaging their boats. Yawn.
2. The research and the memos. Once upon a time, the idea of working in a career that was set in its ways didn't seem so bad. Afterall, most of the novel arguments had already been thought of and Judges tend to like to stick with what another Judge has already acknowledged. Case law gets entrenched in itself and all you have to do is find a successful case that sounds kinda like your own factual scenario, argue that what ever was decided there should apply to you as well and then everyone can be on their merry way. Except no two cases are alike, the parties differ, the lawyers differ, the facts differ and the state of the economy differs. Yet, the bosses expect you to trawl through every possible case (read = look for a needle in a haystack) until you find that one case that fits so that everyone can run with it.
3. As an associate, you do the shit work that no one wants to do. They call it "training" and "working your way to the top". And when I say shit work, I mean the researching, the sifting through reams of documents, the binding and photocopying. Its incredibly dull and half the time meaningless.
4. Being bound to a desk. Often for periods much longer than 9am - 5pm. Try more like 9am to 2am. Then you crawl home to your bed, not bothering to eat or talk to anyone along the way because it takes up too much energy/time and collapse, only to have to wake up the next morning at 7am and trudge your way back to the office.
5. Being bossed around by the Boss. Having to meet ridiculously unrealistic deadlines and trying to do your best while still getting yelled at.
I realise its more than just the things that are "typical" to being a legal associate. I dislike the job scope and what the job typically entails. More than that, I don't see myself being a top lawyer one day. I don't look at my bosses and think to myself, wow, one day I will be just like them in their cozy offices. Instead I feel sorry for them. They barely have time to spend with their wives and kids (its a wonder that they found the time to get married at all) or pursue any leisure related activities.
Ultimately, I realise that it was never my ambition to be a lawyer. When I was younger, I never participated in debates. I chose to go to law school as an alternative to going to med school (Father was a doctor and all that. Had high hopes I'd take after him and if not, go into an equally "respectable" professional career). I did a series of internships, thinking it wasn't all that bad being lawyer, only to discover later on, after I had become a lawyer that the HR people would send out an internal memo to all lawyers, especially associates, to be extra nice to interns and give them the impression that it was great to be a lawyer. All the more to lull them into the misapprehension that they were making the right career choices if they joined our firm. Boy, was I duped.
So here I am. Still miserable and hating my job and thinking about all the other things I would rather be doing with my life. Feeling scared that even though I want to quit so badly and follow my real interests, that I won't make as much money as I am now and might not be able to pay my mortgage in a few months time. It sucks but that's reality I guess.
I am willing myself to hold on till the wedding. Who knows, things might change (unlikley) but at least I'd have earned a couple more thousands by then to bouy me for awhile. If I haven't already snapped by then!
I've had people tell me that I need to change my perception and negativity and just get on with it. Afterall, I'm getting married in about 3 months and with a mortgage on the way as well, I really can't afford to be unemployed. Fair point, I suppose but not when the very thought of being here makes me want to lie down on a busy highway and get run over just so that I can get medical leave and not have to come to work.
People have asked me what it is that I hate about my job so much and for awhile, I could not put it into words. Now though, I can't stop:
1. The work scope. I have never really cared for anything finance/company law related. Big banks suing people for loans, rich companies suing other rich companies for money. People suing other people for damaging their boats. Yawn.
2. The research and the memos. Once upon a time, the idea of working in a career that was set in its ways didn't seem so bad. Afterall, most of the novel arguments had already been thought of and Judges tend to like to stick with what another Judge has already acknowledged. Case law gets entrenched in itself and all you have to do is find a successful case that sounds kinda like your own factual scenario, argue that what ever was decided there should apply to you as well and then everyone can be on their merry way. Except no two cases are alike, the parties differ, the lawyers differ, the facts differ and the state of the economy differs. Yet, the bosses expect you to trawl through every possible case (read = look for a needle in a haystack) until you find that one case that fits so that everyone can run with it.
3. As an associate, you do the shit work that no one wants to do. They call it "training" and "working your way to the top". And when I say shit work, I mean the researching, the sifting through reams of documents, the binding and photocopying. Its incredibly dull and half the time meaningless.
4. Being bound to a desk. Often for periods much longer than 9am - 5pm. Try more like 9am to 2am. Then you crawl home to your bed, not bothering to eat or talk to anyone along the way because it takes up too much energy/time and collapse, only to have to wake up the next morning at 7am and trudge your way back to the office.
5. Being bossed around by the Boss. Having to meet ridiculously unrealistic deadlines and trying to do your best while still getting yelled at.
I realise its more than just the things that are "typical" to being a legal associate. I dislike the job scope and what the job typically entails. More than that, I don't see myself being a top lawyer one day. I don't look at my bosses and think to myself, wow, one day I will be just like them in their cozy offices. Instead I feel sorry for them. They barely have time to spend with their wives and kids (its a wonder that they found the time to get married at all) or pursue any leisure related activities.
Ultimately, I realise that it was never my ambition to be a lawyer. When I was younger, I never participated in debates. I chose to go to law school as an alternative to going to med school (Father was a doctor and all that. Had high hopes I'd take after him and if not, go into an equally "respectable" professional career). I did a series of internships, thinking it wasn't all that bad being lawyer, only to discover later on, after I had become a lawyer that the HR people would send out an internal memo to all lawyers, especially associates, to be extra nice to interns and give them the impression that it was great to be a lawyer. All the more to lull them into the misapprehension that they were making the right career choices if they joined our firm. Boy, was I duped.
So here I am. Still miserable and hating my job and thinking about all the other things I would rather be doing with my life. Feeling scared that even though I want to quit so badly and follow my real interests, that I won't make as much money as I am now and might not be able to pay my mortgage in a few months time. It sucks but that's reality I guess.
I am willing myself to hold on till the wedding. Who knows, things might change (unlikley) but at least I'd have earned a couple more thousands by then to bouy me for awhile. If I haven't already snapped by then!
