Today we were all called into a meeting with the Big Boss and told that we weren't billing enough hours. And of all the people in the room, he chose me to make an example of. He pointed out that I had only billed about 400 and something hours that year when the average was around 1000. That was not cool. And at the time it didn't bother me but afterwards, as I thought about it, I was peeved. It had been meant as a general reprimand for the group but if I was really doing that badly, surely he could have called me out in private. And the more I thought about it, the more I felt it was unjustified to say that I had billed less than half of what was the average for a year. I wondered if he had accounted for the fact that I had only started billing in June when I had gotten called to the bar. In which case I ought to have been compared against an average of around 500, making me below average but at least not by such a huge margin.

I spend hours at the Firm. I may not work till 3am like some people, but thats because I value my life more than this job which I've grown to hate. I would rather get out early (read=8pm) and go to the gym than start working on other things that aren't urgent. I only recently discovered that I wasn't billing things that I should have been, only because I had believed they didn't count. Like when you're sitting around talking about a case, that is supposed to count.

Ah well. Its done now. I know this frenzy has only sparked because its the time of the year when they take stock of these things to calculate our bonuses. But its disheartening all the same. If they're telling me that I need to be working harder and longer and billing more than I already am, I'm not sure how much more I have to give. I would rather spend this kind of time on something I'm actually passionate about and I'm starting to wonder if the law is really it.

I'm looking forward to the new year when I transfer to my new team. I just met with them just now and I love how I'm getting a good vibe from them. The team's energy is different, they're a smaller group and they strike me as being a bit more of a family than my large team. Hopefully it's what I need to keep me at this a while longer.

A friend of mine from boarding school recently accomplished something that I've secretly dreamed about for years: she published her first book. And while I sent along the usual congratulatory message, inside I was so envious. We used to talk about our writing, publishing it on our blogs. I would read hers regularly but honestly I always thought she had a rather meandering style, a little too artsy fartsy and disconnected. Definitely not something I would have bought if I'd chanced upon it at a bookstore. I always secretly thought my writing was better. But look who's just talking now and who actuåally has a book published. 

In a way it really makes me think about my job and what I'm doing. Writing has always been a passion and while I've completed a few novels already, I've never taken it to the next level of editing. I've never seriously considered this pursuit and taken the time to develop it. It makes me think about the writing that I have given up simply because I just didn't have the time anymore. 

I guess it comes down to the will to accomplish something. My friend slogged hard for what she did (though refused to offer more information than that when I asked how she did it) and in the end, even though her book is still something I'd never buy, the fact is, she's out there. And I'm still here, doing a job I almost hate and wondering how the hell I got stuck doing this and if I can ever get out. 

Perhaps I can use that as material for my next book....

Scratch what I said earlier... I still hate my job :(

I just got myself my first Mac! :D :D :D

The Boss has been surprisingly nice to me of late. Not that I'm complaining. Just noticing.

I like to think that perhaps, my impending move to a different team has finally sunken in and this is the last chance to get a good impression in. But honestly, I doubt he even cares or knows the true reason for my move. He's probably just been in a good mood lately.

Again, I'm not complaining. Yesterday provided a prime example. I showed him the first draft of my skeletal closing submissions for the trial we're working on and was fully expecting to be decimated, as per usual. I sat before him, watching his facial expressions contort as they always do when he's reading something that doesn't quite sound right, bracing myself for the onslaught. But instead of telling me how stupid my argument is and chucking the work back at me to redraft it, he explained to me that the language I'd used wasn't quite clear and needed to be tightened up and some aspects of my argument needed more research. Simple as that. And instead of walking out of the room screaming silent curses at him for not telling me where I'd gone wrong and leaving me still fumbling my way in the dark, I left the room determined to do a bit more research and come up with a better second draft. I understood what he meant about the language not being ironclad.

This was all I'd ever wanted from the Boss. My first draft was still rejected but the mode of rejection made all the difference. I don't believe I'm a stupid person. But I do know that I need a just a wee amount of encouragement to keep trying. Its a pity the Boss didn't resort to this tact earlier.

My transfer to the New Team is still somewhat up in the air. Its all been agreed on but nothing has been finalised yet. I went for my first divorce hearing on Friday which was quite fun, though I suppose not so much for the clients. And the members of the New Team seem really nice and more laid back. Hopefully the move will be a good one and my drive to remain in this profession revives.

In completely unrelated news, I'm thinking of buying an iMac. I'm presently a PC user. I'd love to hear any input from anyone on whether the Macs are as good as they sound.

On Saturday, a producer friend of mine asked me if I was willing to come onto her show to talk about a subject that was somewhat close to my heart: arranged marriages. Not that I'm looking forward to mine or even necessarily willing to have one, the whole concept is something I've always been familiar with as its so rampant in my culture. And ever since I turned "eligible", its been my mother's main mission to get me hitched, ideally to someone of her own choosing.

I agreed to be on the show, partly to help a friend out and partly also because I felt that there are a lot of myths about arranged marriages that have given rise to misconceived preconceptions of it amongst my friends. For starters, arranged marriages today are no longer about being forced into a marriage against your will, only meeting your spouse-to-be on the day you are to be wed. Today, the concept of having an arranged marriage, at least in the "modern" sense which would apply to me if I were ever to have an arranged marriage, is that my folks would introduce to guys that they think would suit me and if we hit it off, then great, we'd all have a wedding to attend in about a year's time. If not, they'd introduce me to someone else and so forth, until someone stuck. To me, its almost an extension of how friends already try and matchmake their friends and it saves me having to scour the earth trying to find someone my parents would approve of.

However, its not all as great as it seems. I have come to learn that while your parents always want the best for you, they may not know what exactly that is. Their definition of "the best" may not be the same as yours. They may think that someone with a great career and lots of money is a good catch while what I'd look for is someone who listens to my nonsense and doesn't get irritated when I randomly burst into song. I want someone who I can curl up and watch TV with at the end of a hard day at work, not someone who expects me to massage his feet when I come home half dead from work. I'd go for someone who makes me laugh over someone who makes a truckload of money.

Anyhoo, the point of this post was that I was interviewed for a segment in a show about arranged marriages. The show had a story from someone who was really traditional and super exciting about being arranged and a story from someone who'd had a horrific experience from having been married off to someone she barely knew. And then I came in as one of the voices of today to talk about how arranged marriages today are not what they used to be. They asked some pretty personal questions and I was quite frank in my responses, talking about the attempts my parents had made to set me up (*cough*Sunny*cough*)and even admitting that my relationship with NG had soured partly because of my parent's expectations of having "the best" for me.

I never got around to telling people I'd be on this show, partly because it wasn't a huge deal and partly because I wasn't sure how I'd be editted on the show. I certainly didn't tell my parents when it was being aired! But all day today, I've had the most random people coming up to me and telling me that they saw me on TV. I couldn't believe they'd seen the show! People ranging from The Boss' secretary to my old friends from secondary school had caught the show as well as the CEO of the Firm, who'd seen it briefly in the Court's bar room and turned to ask an associate next to him "Isn't she in our firm?" Ack! Who would have thought I'd caught the attention of the CEO!! And of all the topics, it was about arranged marriages! This can't bode well for my end of year bonus prospects :S

Nevertheless, the fifteen minutes of fame has been fun. I get mildly embarrassed when people mention it but I know I have nothing to hide since my views on the show are the same as I'd always expressed in person.

Two things:

First, Happy Birthday Wiggly!!! Wish I could have been there to celebrate it with you!

Second, today is NG's and my supposed one year anniversary. Yes, yes, I know officially we're over, but inside I still love the guy. More than I realise sometimes. We've been on and off even though we'd officially broken up 3 months ago. And I couldn't help but be awed when NG sent this message last night:

baby, i don't know if this is appropriate... happy supposed anniversary. i love you for who you are. i thank you for all the love we shared. i appreciate every effort you took to show love, effort to look beautiful for me, took time to see me when i was down and celebrated with me when i was happy. you have always been the girl of my dreams. i will always thank God for the day you walked into my life. i love you baby.

:)

To NG, because I know you are secretly reading (:-p): I know that things haven't quite turned out the way we had hoped. I'm not even sure where we'll be this time next year. But I do know that I'll always think of this past year with you, including all the good moments and the bad, as one of the happiest years of my life. I love you smelly belly.

Work has been so busy since coming back. We've gone into a full-fledged trial with documents and sharp-tongued arguments flying all over the place. Its a three-way fight and each party is sticking to their guns, no one wants to back down and settle when clearly, we are so winning. But don't quote me on this. I'm not liable for any representations made on this blog and on the off chance that the counsel from the other side are free enough to be blog-hopping and happen on my blog, i will disclaim all liabilty. But yes, in my humble opinion, I think things are looking good for our client.

It has been fun watching the trial unfold. Today our witnesses were being cross-examined and the Boss would jump up every so often to object to the other counsel's questions. Even when the evidence was slow, there was a certain amount of adrenaline in the room and I could feel why I had gotten into this profession. I even got a chance to say a word or two myself which irked the pompous ass to my left to no end.

The down side to trials is that going to one means you end up coming back to the office around 5.30 and starting a regular work day at that point so you're working doubly long hours. And for someone who's jetlagged, I'm well and truly exhausted!

Ah well, thankfully tomorrow is the last day of this tranche, am looking forward to getting some sleep this weekend!

I'm back in Singapore, back to work, back to the life I was trying to escape from for the last two weeks. My holiday away was simply brilliant. I didn't realise how much I needed that break. Even now, I'm sitting at my office and its about 8pm, I'l incredibly jetlagged and have tons of work, I still feel calm (or perhaps I just that damn tired and sleepy!) But seriously, I feel better than I have in awhile and I know my holiday accomplished what it was meant to.

London itself was grey and rainy as usual but I loved every second of it. Apparently it even snowed which is bizarre for October. I crashed at P's place which is right behind the London Eye (which certainly helped last Saturday when P and I were half drunk and stumbling home from a club in Trafalgar Square and knew we were going the right way because we could see the Wheel Of Hope ahead of us. In hindsight, it was probably quite a silly thing to be walking home at 4 in the morning but at the time we couldn't stop laughing about it. I mean really, the wheel of hope?! likening it to the north star that was directing us on our way?!? we must have been drunk). I mooched most of my time away, just catching up with friends over numerous meals and coffees, went to a couple of house parties and got hilariously drunk, chilled out with my girlfriends and ranted about men. I also jetted off to Milan and Venice for a couple of days to spend time with Wiggly and had the most amazing time! Venice is gorgeous!!! I definitely plan to spend more time in Europe next summer.

As for Z, he is officially being renamed Banker Wanker. For all the hype and sweet-talking and telling me how much he wanted to see me, he ended up cancelling on me last minute 3 times. By the third time when he asked if we could reschedule, I just told him I was too busy and had other plans. He claimed that work was really busy and in fairness, we all know how bad the markets are and how the bankers are suffering the most but I just felt that if he really wanted to, he could have squeezed in a drink with me or at least have the decency to pick up the phone and actually call me to cancel rather than just text. So that was that. He hasn't bothered to be in touch since I told him I was busy and I refuse to message him either.

Meanwhile, it didn't help that there was tons of NG drama going on along the way. Gosh, I'm just so tired of it all now. I went away to get away from him and even then he wouldn't leave me be. I felt so angry at him and still do. I feel like I'm becoming such a bitch to him and have taken on a very cold demeanor in my dealings with him now. But it needs to be done. How much longer can we drag this out?

P, bless her, spent her little free time trying to set me up with her various "eligible" male friends and I hate to say she was eventually successful :) Haha, not my fault though!! He was so incredibly cute and I was convinced he wouldn't be interested in me in the slightest. But we got along really well and ended up hooking up by the end of the night.

Anyways, its back to the grindstone now. I came back to a mass of work and discovered that my secretary "quit" the day after she was given notice that she would be fired. D is also leaving and I'm not quite sure I'll be able to face The Boss without him around. But on the brightside, the Big Boss has confirmed my transfer so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And now, more than ever I am convinced I want to move back to London (in about a year or two and hopefully by then the whole credit crunch mess will be marginally better) so I might need to start looking to moving my ass to an off-shore firm.

I just hope things stay quiet for awhile more. I'm not ready to deal with more drama just yet.