Just when I think I'm getting the hang of things, something fucks up and I'm in the doghouse again. I get put down and trodden on and curl into a ball and cry when no one's looking then pick myself up again, vowing to be better this time. And for awhile, it seems like I'm getting the hang of things again, before something else fucks up and vicious cycle starts again.

 

Working for the Boss is challenging at best. At worst, its what I imagine hell would feel like. And quite frankly, I'm starting to wonder how much more of this hell can I tolerate.

 

I've been told too many times now that I get screwed because I'm one of the most junior people in the Firm. If things go wrong, I'm the first to get a finger pointed at to take the blame. And in fairness, I do still make mistakes here and there as I learn how things work around here. I've also been told that its tough love, and I should just suck it up.

 

But there are ways of telling someone that they're wrong. In my opinion, putting them down and making them feel like they are worthless isn't it. Shooing them away when they ask a question only to berate them later for getting it wrong just isn't right. And frankly, tough love doesn't work on everyone. As much as I tell myself that I am like teflon and nothing the say sticks to me, in truth, their words have me questioning my choice of firm, of career, of industry. Perhaps I'm just not cut out for this job.

 

The thoughts have me considering my options now. What's next now that I'm already this deep in? Is there anywhere else to go? Can I? If so, how?

 

I guess I'll just have to find out. But one thing is for sure, I have lost all drive and motivation and certainly won't be able to sustain this much longer.