For those of us living under a rock or who are just not fans of F1 (ie. most of the world I guess, including myself), the latest leg of the grand prix was held right here in Singapore over this weekend. Despite the hype in the run up to the race, I just couldn't bring myself to feel the excitment and get caught up in the frenzy that seemed to have griped the nation. While businesses around me were gearing up for the weekend, jacking up their prices and cashing in on the fact that our tiny country was crawling with tourists who'd come in to watch the race, the only affect of F1 that I felt was the increased traffic as I drove into work due to the major roads that had been closed and converted into the F1 track. On Friday night, I was working at the office till about 8pm and only stopped because the noises of the F1 engines as they completed their warm-up laps made it impossible to concentrate.

 

Frankly, I couldn't see what all the fuss about. To me it was just a bunch of cars speeding around the roads of our central business district. NG tried to convince me otherwise and even wanted me to go with him to watch the race (he'd scored himself a weekend pass to the event) but I told him the ticket would have been wasted on me and would probably be more appreciated by someone else.

 

And yet, there I was on Sunday night, glued to my TV screen throughout the 61 laps as the cars whizzed past places that I was so familiar with... parliament building, the supreme court, the merlion, the esplanade theatres, even a stretch of the ECP. The race itself was nail-biting stuff: Picquet's crash that caused the shuffle in the track positioning, Massa's mishap with the feuling tube, Alonso jumping from 15th place at the start to win the whole damn race. It was the kind of race that would have made any non-believer a fan, including myself, I have to admit.

After yesterday's post about the weather I couldn't help but chuckle to myself at the irony of today's weather. It was almost as if God had heard me making fun of the half-hearted rain yesterday and was saying "how dare you mock me! so there, take that!" today.
 
It POURED today. I woke up to the sound of the rain beating against my window. It was the kind of morning that was perfect for blowing off work and sleeping in. It rained like I've never seen it before. The roads were flooded as I drove towards town to the point where I couldn't even see the wheels of the car in front of me because they were submerged in water. I pitied the poor sucker on the sidewalk being splashed with muddy water from all the cars driving past. Unfortunately, that was me moments later. I have to park my car diagonally across the road where my building is and have to cross two roads to get to my office. I was so thankful that I was wearing shorts today and clutching my heels in one hand and my umbrella in the other, I splashed through ankle-deep puddles in my flip flops. It was a bit of a mission but I made it to my office some twenty minutes later, relatively dry compared to others, after navigating the puddles and working out the shallowest points at which to cross, standing well away from the curbs at the cars drove by.
 
This was Asian rain :)
 
Anyhoo.
 
In completely unrelated news, its my dad's 50th birthday today. Its such a milestone of an age but my dad doesn't want to make a huge deal of it so we're just going to have our usual family birthday dinner. I spent days trying to come up with a gift idea but what on earth does one give a man who's at the top of his game and already has all the material things he could want? I did try to get him tickets to a show that I know he would have loved but unfortunately they were sold out. I'm stumped for ideas. Any suggestions anyone?

The Big Boss just emailed to remind us of the in-house talk this evening:

 

"RE:
1. "How Confidential are Arbitration Proceedings Now?" by Mr. Raymond Cox, QC
2. "Credit Crunch - Potential Litigation" by Mr. Nik Yeo

This is a reminder about this evening's talk at 5.30 pm by Raymond Cox QC and Nik Yeo from Fountain Court Chambers.

Please also remember that attendance at the talk is compulsory for all litigation junior associates. You will enjoy these talks.Tea will follow.

As we do not want to keep our guest speakers waiting, I would appreciate it if you could all be seated at 17 C1 and C2 no later than 5.25 pm, so that we can begin the talk punctually at 5.30 pm.

 

Big Boss"

 

Eep! We will enjoy these talks?! Err... whatever you say, chief.

As I was coming into work yesterday, the weather was incredibly grey and windy. It looked liked it was about to rain with everything it had. The wind was flinging leaves and plant debris everywhere and my umbrella kept threatening to flip inside out. The temperature must have dropped a good few degrees as it was suddenly very chilly. But the rain did not pour down in sheets as one would have expected. For all the fanfare around it, the rain itself was almost half-hearted: just an uneven shower of water that landed where ever the wind had blown it to. In fact, the only way to accurately describe the rain was to compare it to English rain.

 

In England, at least from the 5 years I had spent there, it never quite rained the way it does in Asia. Over here the rain falls in thick droplets, splashing on everyone and leaving large puddles everywhere. It rains heavily like this for about 20 to 30 minutes, then stops completely, leaving the weather cooler, albeit more humid. than before. But in England, the rain falls lightly, a shower that one can still escape from relatively dry even without an umbrella. But it rains for hours, leaving everything cold and grey and damp.

 

The rain yesterday was English rain. And while everyone around me looked as gloomy as the weather, I absolutely loved it because it reminded me of England. I've realised more and more lately just how much I really miss the place and my life there. When I left Singapore some 7 years ago, I remember thinking that this was it! That was my ticket out of Singapore and I had no intention of ever coming back. And yet, 5 years on, following the mess with the Muppet and the end of my degree when I was at a crossroads of what to do next, I let my guard down and let myself get convinced that coming back was a good idea.

 

On the whole, I don't regret my decision to come back. I'm not one for regrets and I would be lying if I didn't admit that life has been good to me here. I've got a good job at a good firm, I live at home so whatever I earn is spent on pampering myself, I have a car to drive around and I've met a man who's crazy about me. I'm at home for major holidays and spend more time with my family. I'm in the same country as my best friend again and have made a great number of new friends. I count myself lucky for all the things I have in my life and yet... something in me is yearning for something else. A challenge perhaps. The freedom I once had to do whatever I liked, whenever I liked. The responsibility to make my own choices and to pay my bills. I feel that coming back to Singapore was almost like taking a step backwards after coming into my own in England. The lifestyle here is much more muted, the people more sedate. I'm expected to behave a certain way.

 

I don't know if going back to England is the answer but that feeling I had way back when I'm 17 has resurfaced. I wasn't made to spend my entire life in Singapore. I'm itching to do something with my life, to move away again or to change the direction I'm moving in but not sure how to.

 

I'm looking forward to my upcoming holiday for the sole reason that I will finally get some time to myself. Its long overdue. I need to get away from my family, my work and my man and just have some time alone to think about what I want to do next.

 

Till then, I'll just enjoy the English rain thats falling on Singapore.

Ack. I just found out that my secretary and I are the same age. In fact, she's good friends with one of my former secondary school classmates as they were classmates in college. How awkward do I feel now having to tell her what to do?

NG and I were talking this morning and somehow got to talking about breastfeeding. I have no idea how we got onto that....

No seriously.... now that I think of it, its a very VERY weird conversation to be having with one's ex.

Oh wait! I remember now!!! I was telling him about the milk scare in China (scary stuff folks, melamine in the milk and all) and how I had heard on the news this morning that 50,000 babies in Hong Kong had become sick and had to be taken to a hospital. And then he said that if he had kids, he'd want his wife to breastfeed for a longer duration. Apparently he'd read somewhere that kids should be breastfed until the age of 3. He went on about the benefits of it like mother-child bonding, boosting the child's immunity and how its great for post-natal weight loss and even reduces the risk of cancer.

I was not convinced. THREE?! Seriously?! Aren't kids a bit too old to be sucking on their mom's tits at 3? The idea just doesn't seem right to me and I'm sure it wasn't healthy for a child to still be suckling at 3. I was sure the answer was closer to 9 months or something.

So I googled it :)

According to breastfeeding.com, NG was right! Studies have shown that children should be breastfed for at least a year to 18 months and even after that. Not to mention that he was spot on about the benefits.

Who would have thought? Guess you learn something new everyday, though its safe to say that this new information has been filed away in the compartment of my brain that stores useless information. I have no intention of breastfeeding anyone anytime soon. There are still many corporate ladders to climb.

Just when I think I'm getting the hang of things, something fucks up and I'm in the doghouse again. I get put down and trodden on and curl into a ball and cry when no one's looking then pick myself up again, vowing to be better this time. And for awhile, it seems like I'm getting the hang of things again, before something else fucks up and vicious cycle starts again.

 

Working for the Boss is challenging at best. At worst, its what I imagine hell would feel like. And quite frankly, I'm starting to wonder how much more of this hell can I tolerate.

 

I've been told too many times now that I get screwed because I'm one of the most junior people in the Firm. If things go wrong, I'm the first to get a finger pointed at to take the blame. And in fairness, I do still make mistakes here and there as I learn how things work around here. I've also been told that its tough love, and I should just suck it up.

 

But there are ways of telling someone that they're wrong. In my opinion, putting them down and making them feel like they are worthless isn't it. Shooing them away when they ask a question only to berate them later for getting it wrong just isn't right. And frankly, tough love doesn't work on everyone. As much as I tell myself that I am like teflon and nothing the say sticks to me, in truth, their words have me questioning my choice of firm, of career, of industry. Perhaps I'm just not cut out for this job.

 

The thoughts have me considering my options now. What's next now that I'm already this deep in? Is there anywhere else to go? Can I? If so, how?

 

I guess I'll just have to find out. But one thing is for sure, I have lost all drive and motivation and certainly won't be able to sustain this much longer.

When the Boss is away.... The Girl breathes easier at work.

 

I had all of 3 and a half hours of sleep last night, partly because I slept plenty this weekend and partly because everytime I was trying to fall asleep, all I could think about was that it was Monday today and I had tons of work and was terrified of the Boss calling it in when I wasn't finished yet.

 

I reckon I'm a teensy bit stressed.

 

But my day was made when I found out that the Boss was on leave! PHEW!

 

In other news, there's a new intern at the Firm today, conveniently sitting right outside my office and admittedly very pleasant to look at and comes complete with a hot British accent (although he's Indian). My office roomie and I can't help but check him out as he saunters in and out of our office with files. Shame he's only 20... it would be cradle-snatching and practically incest seeing as my brother is the same age.

 

Still, at least there's something interesting to distract our attention with when we're tired of all the cases :)

NG and I went to see My Sassy Girl last night, a movie starring Jesse Bradford and Elisha Cuthbert. It was a rather typical sappy romance movie but something about the movie really hit too close to home. The movie was about a couple who met rather randomly and fell in love despite the antics only for the girl to tell the guy that she wasn't ready to be with him and asked him to wait until she was. And wait he did. And in the end, they obviously got back together but the journey of how they got from start to end reminded me a little too much of the situation with NG. At one point in the movie, I glanced over and noticed he too was tearing. I reached out and let my fingers interlace with his. In a way, I felt the movie conveyed to him how I felt better than I could have with my words and his emotions showed me that he understood what I was trying to say.

 

Its hard to say where things stand now. We both are still clinging to whatever we have left after the relationship has been taken out of the equation, knowing its only too easy to slip back into the comfort we find in each other and yet putting up the appearance that we can just be friends. Since the blowout last week, things have almost reverted to the way they were, with the exception that we're constantly reminding ourselves that we're no longer together. We remain in contact throughout the day and still meet up regularly. But its a constant struggle to keep my hands out of his hair.

 

I still love him. Or perhaps more accurately, I still care for him. I'm not sure if the difference is significant anymore.

 

I know logically what I need to do. I need to be strong and enforce the break-up. I need to see him less and not answer his calls all the time. I need to learn to live without knowing he'll be there whenever I call, and indeed, learning not to call him whenever I need him. I have already made such a mess of things.

 

Its been almost a month since things ended. Everyone promised that things would get easier. I hope they're right.

The following is a Facebook conversation with Z that has left me somewhat irked. It started off when Z's status read "Will be back at uni (studying!) in October, the terrorising shall begin again." I was reminded of a conversation we had previously, about how we had wasted our Uni years by being good when there was so much we could have gotten away with but didn't. Hence, I sent the first email:

 

Girl: going back to uni? for a second shot at all the good things you missed out on the first time round?

 

Z: You got it!!! Not going to make any conservative mistakes this time round!! Going hell for leather!! Hows is your gorgeous self these days?

 

Girl: haha! where are you going? and what are you doing? (education-wise!) I'm ok, just swamped with work :( have an appeal tmr and trial on thursday and i'm going to just move into my office.

 

Z: LSE, Masters in Finance. MBA seemed like too much hassle as i didnt want to go into consultancy or anything. If i had thought this out better i would have done an MBA just for the sake of going to school in the US! Your hot, have sex. It'll make you feel better! p.s. On a serious note, that sounds like complete poo!

 

Girl: I'm being holy this month :-p the only after-dark pleasures i'll be indulging in are chocolate and milo dinosaurs! work is tough but i'm going on holiday in october so at least i have somehting to look forward to :) how long is your course? i'm assuming you're giving up working for awhile as well then?

 

Z: hahaha, very good point!! At least you can have after-dark pleasures! I need to find someone to have that kind of fun with! :-( Where you going on holiday? Its a 2 year course, and yup NO work... wooo!!

 

Girl: Actually, there isn't anyone to have after dark pleasures with here either. But on the bright side, only a month or so till uni... i'm sure you'll find plenty of people to have fun with ;) I'm off to london and milan in october. somewhat random i know but i'm super excited. i haven't been since i graduated and i have been dying to go back.

 

Z: Well.... if you are in london, give me a shout!... after dark fun if you want ;-)

 

Girl: i'll think about it.

 

And am currently thinking that I probably won't. I mean come on.... our conversations have always been on the flirty side (alright, they are often overtly sexual) but this is just getting a wee bit much. He sounds like he just wants to have sex with me and while thats vaguely flattering, I'm just not that kinda girl honey. I may flirt and tease but I'm not looking for random sex with some dude who'll forget my name afterwards.

 

Z had been introduced to me by our mutual friend who thought we would be suited to each other. And while he's what many girls may describe as a "catch" (ie, ridiculously good-looking, very intelligent and rolling in the dough), not to mention that he's the exact kind of guy my mother would pat me on the head for a job well done if I were to bring him home, he's just starting to sound a tad skeezy to me.

 

I dunno. Perhaps I've given off all the wrong signals and I've been placed in his "random hook-up/have fun with" category which is exactly where I didn't want to be. And perhaps my recent obsession with a book entitled "Why men love bitches" may have something to do with this, I think its time to pull back and leave Z hanging. I know I deserve better. And if Z doesn't know that too, that's really his loss.