I feel like I suddenly have a very clear understanding of RS. Or rather, a very clear understanding of why RS and me were the way that we were. He just never liked me the way I liked him. Sure, he must have liked me a little. But it wasn't enough. And it was only when I realised that that I was able to let go. He used to say to me that there was a reason he didn't want to commit to me, even though we were sleeping with each other all those months. He just never wanted to commit and on my part, like a fool, I thought I would wait. He had flimsy reasons... like perhaps he'd commit after he graduated, he wanted to concentrate on his studies till then, he wasn't ready and was still not over his ex, he had depression and could not handle a relationship, etc etc and I actually believed him. I actually believed that I would wait till the appropriate moment and he would commit to me then.

Anyways, the point is that one day, a switch flipped in my head and I realised what a moron I was. He just wasn't that into me. And just like that I was ok again. Sure I missed talking to him for awhile. But I got over it. I met the Boyfriend. I fell in love again.

Only this time, the roles have reversed. I'm the one putting the breaks on things. I'm the one who doesn't want to commit. He's telling me he will wait for me. But this time, I'm RS. I'm telling him that I'm not ready, that I don't want committment, etc etc. Lame excuses to cover up the real reason: He's just not the one. And I'm just not as into him as he is to me. And now that I've admitted that to myself, there's no point in continuing a relationship that is going no where.

It doesn't help that he has been the perfect boyfriend all this while. He's my first proper boyfriend and going by all the men I've vicariously dated through my friends' experiences, this one was definitely in the top five. Always loving and polite, friendly to everyone and treated me like a princess. I asked myself over and over again why I just couldn't be happy and love him the way he loves me. But I just can't. I can't force myself to love someone more.

I feel like a horrible person. If the last time we broke up is anything to go by, the next few weeks are going to be incredibly difficult. I know what I need to do. But its so bloody hard. I hate having to do this. I hate that I have to do it. But what other way is there?

:(