Something happened yesterday between the Boyfriend and I (ha ha, aside from the fact that I'm still referring to him as the Boyfriend I suppose :-p). I went to see him because he had witnessed something really horrific earlier that day and I couldn't help but to reach out to him. But in the process, we started talking about us and where things had gone wrong and realised that we could pinpoint it to a particular event in our relationship: it was when the Muppet came to visit.

Now, I know I can't blame him for everything, even though I would like to. But I do know that his arrival was the catalyst for the downward turn that our relationship took. He disrupted the happy little world that the Boyfriend and I created for ourselves. And while we must all live in reality, we really were quite happy with each other when we weren't having to consider life's big questions about marriage and religion and children. We were just happy hanging out with each other. After all, ours was just a fledgling relationship of about 6 months and it was really much to soon to be deciding on such key issues when neither of us was really ready to do so.

Nevertheless, I'm not quite sure where we stand now. All I know is that my pretty bracelet was clasped back onto my wrist at some point. We are going to see each other a little less and spend a bit more time with ourselves and our friends. Perhaps as A2 had said, things can get claustrophobic when one spends too much time when someone.

I dragged the Boyfriend along with me while I went to get a haircut and of all the people in the world, I ran into the Boss at the hair salon! It was bizarre indeed seeing him there with his young son. I knew the moment he saw the Boyfriend and I together he would ask questions later (indeed, he had told me to take time off when we had broken up) and later when he was sat on the bench next to mine as we got our hair shampooed he mentioned that it was good to see us together again. I just smiled. It felt good to be with him again.

Perhaps I'm just not ready to let go of him. Perhaps I'm not even supposed to. Perhaps when I am supposed to, I'll be ready to do so.

Its quite amazing the power that material possessions take on when there's an emotion attached to them. Suddenly, a little scrap of paper like a parking fine, takes on a whole new meaning when you remember that the parking fine was issued on a night when you went over to the boy's house because he was too sick and you cuddled on the couch watching movies till late, not caring that you'd fall sick too given the close proximity.

Or that little bracelet that I hadn't really liked when he first gave it to me in a shopping mall one night but the next day when I saw it in natural sunlight, it glittered and gleamed and from that moment the bracelet never left my wrist because I had fallen in love with it. Kinda reminds me of our entire relationship in general. How I hadn't liked him at first but fell completely in love with him as I got to know him.

He gave me back all of my stuff today. Material possessions no doubt but they were all things that were now too painful to look at because they carried the weight of the memories attached to them. He just handed it over in one big bag, from the mundane crap I'd left in his car to the gifts that I had spent hours deliberating over, right down to the little love notes I used to slip into his pocket when he wasn't paying attention. I tried to tell him that I couldn't accept them back, afterall, what was I going to do now with a Liverpool keychain, but he told me that he couldn't bear to look at them and remember me.

In a swirl of emotions, I gave back my beloved bracelet, the one that I had fallen in love with and never wanted to take off. I gave it back because I knew I couldn't keep it anymore. Just like that, even though I had fallen in love with him and never wanted things to be this way, I gave him back his heart because I couldn't keep it anymore. I didn't feel right anymore. I didn't deserve to have something so beautiful and not be able to appreciate its true value.

To my gerbil, if you ever chance upon my blog again: Thank you for everything. Thank you for loving me and being who you are to me.

I've ended things. Or more specifically, he could just feel that something was up and called me on it and I just admitted that he was right. I feel like a horrible person. Why can't I just be happy knowing that I have a gorgeous man by my side who loves me so much that he would do anything for me? What's wrong with me? Why can't I feel the same?

I can't put my finger on it. There's something intangible that I just know isn't there. I wish things made more sense. All I know is that I feel trapped. I feel pressured to be here. I am so scared to hurt him.

He is my best friend and the nicest boyfriend I've ever had. I doubt I'll ever find someone who will love me the same way. But I know that he deserves better and will find better. He deserves more than a girl who can't make up her mind as to whether this is what she wants or if this is who she wants to be with. A girl who's caught between making herself happy right now and making the right choice for her life.

I know with time, I'll be ok. And I know a fabulous guy like him, with time, will be ok too.

With time, everything will be ok.

I feel like I suddenly have a very clear understanding of RS. Or rather, a very clear understanding of why RS and me were the way that we were. He just never liked me the way I liked him. Sure, he must have liked me a little. But it wasn't enough. And it was only when I realised that that I was able to let go. He used to say to me that there was a reason he didn't want to commit to me, even though we were sleeping with each other all those months. He just never wanted to commit and on my part, like a fool, I thought I would wait. He had flimsy reasons... like perhaps he'd commit after he graduated, he wanted to concentrate on his studies till then, he wasn't ready and was still not over his ex, he had depression and could not handle a relationship, etc etc and I actually believed him. I actually believed that I would wait till the appropriate moment and he would commit to me then.

Anyways, the point is that one day, a switch flipped in my head and I realised what a moron I was. He just wasn't that into me. And just like that I was ok again. Sure I missed talking to him for awhile. But I got over it. I met the Boyfriend. I fell in love again.

Only this time, the roles have reversed. I'm the one putting the breaks on things. I'm the one who doesn't want to commit. He's telling me he will wait for me. But this time, I'm RS. I'm telling him that I'm not ready, that I don't want committment, etc etc. Lame excuses to cover up the real reason: He's just not the one. And I'm just not as into him as he is to me. And now that I've admitted that to myself, there's no point in continuing a relationship that is going no where.

It doesn't help that he has been the perfect boyfriend all this while. He's my first proper boyfriend and going by all the men I've vicariously dated through my friends' experiences, this one was definitely in the top five. Always loving and polite, friendly to everyone and treated me like a princess. I asked myself over and over again why I just couldn't be happy and love him the way he loves me. But I just can't. I can't force myself to love someone more.

I feel like a horrible person. If the last time we broke up is anything to go by, the next few weeks are going to be incredibly difficult. I know what I need to do. But its so bloody hard. I hate having to do this. I hate that I have to do it. But what other way is there?

:(

The Boyfriend scored us a free photoshoot last night at a local studio. It was located at some semi-dodgy building in a semi-dodgy part of town though the studio itself seemed quite nicely kitted out. We were given a form to fill out and for some reason, the staff thought we were married so for the heck of it, we decided to play along, claiming that we were engaged. I slipped my shiny diamond ring onto my left ring finger and waved in the consultant's face when she ooh-ed and aah-ed at my hand. Apparently, we were due to be married in February and had known each other for almost 5 years. The consultant was a bit of a dolt though, making some of the most inappropriate small-talk comments I had ever heard, including telling the Boyfriend that if he was looking for a pretty girl like me he was sure to find them easily enough if he took a walk in the local red-light district, thereby insinuating that I could have easily been a hooker.

We were herded into hair and make-up first and while the Boyfriend only took minutes to prepare, they spent ages piling thick make-up on my face and dousing my hair with hairspray. I felt like a clown afterwards. We were then ushered into a studio and took a bunch of cheesy photographs in unnatural poses. After that, it was back down to hair and make-up and a costume change. We decided to go for Japanese and I stood around while a kimono was tied around me before we went to take more photos. I have to admit, the Boyfriend did look rather delicious. He seemed so natural in taking the shots while I felt positively ridiculous throughout the whole process.

We changed back into our regular clothes after that and they brought us to a computer where our photos had been loaded onto the screen. I have to admit, some of them really did turn out quite nice. Some of the best shots were ones were I was too busy laughing at the silliness of us to notice that the camera had captured the moment. The Boyfriend commented in an off-hand way that we really did look good together in our photos and I couldn't help but agree. We did look nice together, especially in the shots where we weren't paying attention and just looking at each other.

Unfortunately, the hard sell came after that where they tried to convince us to pay an exhorbitant amount for the photos and also to book them now for our up-coming wedding (haha, which we'd almost forgotten about at that point) . We didn't get to take home any photos but we told them we'd keep them in mind for our future.

It was an interesting experience to say the least. Having the Boyfriend there made it fun despite the staff's incompetence.