In her bid to convince me that I have made the ultimate mistake in my life and that it is her duty to change my mind, hoping that I'll come to my senses and leave the Boyfriend, my mother has turned to introducing me to what she would term as "eligible men". The first candidate is supposedly a brilliant young man with a double major degree and an MBA from somewhere in the USA, owns 3 franchises and acquiring another two, and is really good looking.

You would think that someone who sounds this good on paper had something going for him. But you'd be wrong. To humor my mother and to amuse myself, I took his email address and popped him a short note:

Hi Kxxx,

I'm (the Girl) from Singapore. My mom asked me to email you so here I am. Just wanted to say hello.

(The Girl)

There, it was short, simple, to the point. He responds:

Hi (Girl),

My parents did mention u all, guess they want us to get to know each other a lil bit. May be we can start with you, you can call me Sunny by da way.

Sunny?!! My jaw dropped as I stared at the computer screen. Sunny?!?!?! And 'da'? What, was the so difficult to spell?! On his very first impression the guy hit a personal pet peeve of mine. Nevertheless I persevered:

Hi Sunny,

If you don't mind me asking, why is your nickname Sunny? It sounds nothing like Kxxx! What do you do? I am a lawyer with a local firm and I've been working for about seven months now.

(the Girl)

And he responds (rather defensively, I thought):

Hi, I think I'm just used to SUNNY (whats up with the capitalisation there Sunny?), every one since I was little has always called me that, my family, friends, every one, my grand mom gave me that name i suppose when i was little, no one actually has called me kxxx, every one knows me by sunny [surname].......its just like that for ever, but i don't mind kxxx either, I guess its easier the other way too. I neveractually tried to shorten kxxx to sunny, its just my name that every one has always called me with.

I did my bachelors in business administration and bachelors in computer information systems (double major) from Concord University in West Virgina (USA) and MBA from University of Maryland, College Park (USA).Now I own three franchises (Subway, Pretzel Time & Mrs. Fields) in Maryland about an hour and a half north to Washington DC.

Err... that's nice? I didn't quite know how to respond to this one. That was the longest, most pointless explanation of why he was called Sunny I'd ever read! I didn't ask for an essay, a friggin' one-liner would have sufficed! And the second part just sounded as though he was applying for job or something. I know where West Virgina (pardon me, isn't there supposed to be an 'i' in Virginia??? Virgina?! Sexually deprived much?) and Maryland are, I don't need a parenthesis to explain that they're in the States. And his insult to the English language continues with the spaces between words in the wrong places. I don't reply to this one... so he gets impatient after a day:

U seem like a busy woman ....... u work in an attorney's office or u an attorney ur self???

Err... did my earlier email not mention that I was a lawyer? Or were you not reading Sunny? And if you can't even read my emails, where the words are in front of you so you can't pretend you'd forgotten, what hope does that have for a real life relationship where you won't even be listening to what I say?

Hi Sunny,

Sorry for taking so long to reply, I have been very busy lately. I am an attorney and I have a case going to trial soon, hence I'm so busy. I'm even working through the weekend.

Your work sounds interesting. I love the brownies at Mrs. Fields :) Do you drive? If so, what car do you drive? Also, I'm curious to see what you look like, send me a photo of yourself :)

Yes, I'm being rather sarcastic now but I doubt he notices. My mother did mention that he was supposedly good looking so I hoped his handsome face might save him at this point. He replies:

Hey whtzz up, (!!!!!!!!)

that sounds a busy life.......ya I drive, in fact i'm a lil car crazy guy, i have a 07 bmw 7 series 760 LI v12.

so how old are you? i'm sending couple ov casual pics, may be u could send me some of urs....

I nearly choked. He could not be serious. My mother could not be serious!! I mean, this guy?!??! Really?!?! He didn't even bother to check over his email. He couldn't be bothered to spell 'little'. And just because I asked, it doesn't me mean I can understand the gibberish that is '760 LI v12'. And no offence, but this supposedly good looking guy turned out to have greasy hair and toad eyes and a rather weird triangular shaped piece of facial hair just below his lip. I was appalled. Still I remained polite:

Hi Sunny,

You mean your work is not busy? Surely owning 3 franchises is a lot of work? What do you do everyday? (Since he seemed so surprised that I was a busy woman...)

I'm 24. How old are you? I'm emailing you from work so I'm afraid I do not have any pictures of myself on this computer. I'll send you my picture another time.

Hee. I lied :) I was at home at the time! I know I'm not a fox, but I do think I'm hot enough to say I was slightly out of his league. I didn't want him panting over his keyboard and drooling on it. And I didn't want him stalking me either. Yes, I know. I have a rather large ego for a girl.

hi,

My work is extremely busy, but i have store managers, office managers, accountants, attorneys, and lots of other staff to take care of every thing. (Yawn.) I'm usually keeping administrative checks while i'm in and out of my stores through out the day, wasie bhi I have every thing organized online where I can get minute by minute reports......gives me enough time to plan expansion....also gives me time to take vacations 3 times a year, infact I just got back from Pakistan, I was there for a month, then in Dubai for a week..... (Whatever. Snooze...)now days I'm working on another project, not sure if you have heard about these franchises called TACO BELL and TCBY, I just signed a contract with Taco Bell, (Yawn!) will be taking over a taco bell store by the end of august and a TCBY store in the mall location by next month.

Waise I love traveling, what about you? I usually make a stop over in Sheffield, about 40 minutes from london (No way, is that where London is?! WOW!) (my mamu lives there), dubai and pakistan like 3 or 4 times a year.

so where did u get ur education from and how long u been in singapore. what does ur family do, i mean what kinda profession ur dad is in n stuff. where r u guys from pak. did u get to open all the pics i sent u, if not leme know so i can send some others......hopefully u'll attach some pics with ur next emeil.....

laterzzz.

I thought his ending was rather appropriate. I was practically asleep by the end of reading his long tirade of useless information. Did I really care that he was getting another franchise? No. Did I care that he traveled to Pakistan a lot? Absolutely not. Was I appalled by his horrendous English? Hell YES. I did not bother responding this time. I told my mother that he was exactly the type of guy I had been avoiding. My mother even went on to defend him to say that perhaps he was just shy around girls and the fact that he's green is a good thing, as it showed he hadn't been around. I told her I'd rather have someone who had. She just looked scandalised and stalked off.

Hey, at least I tried. And if I'm lucky, this should keep her off my back for some time yet!