Today I learned what I had been doing wrong this whole time I was working for the Boss. I never got him drunk!

Not to say that he's drunk at work right now!! But he's certainly come back after a very long lunch and is sounding very very happy. In fact, he even giggled to himself a few times. And very candidly spoke about someone he knew who'd recently put on a lot of weight and how she looked out of control. I told him that was a mean thing to say but was secretly tickled by his demeanour. Initially, when the phone flashed the digits of his extention number, my heart had dropped. I wasn't prepared to show him the submissions I had been slaving over for this past week. In the morning he'd called to press me about them and I assumed he was only calling me at 5pm to scold me for not getting them to him earlier in the day and being tardy about the work. But instead, after his jolly lunch, he called to wish me a great vacation and said that we could get to the subs when I got back.

Perhaps its just the Christmas spirit. But I certainly ain't complaining!!

Anwyays, I know I've been MIA of late. Mostly becuase I've just been swamped with work, even though December is supposed to be a quiet month. The Boss and I have been in trial and when we're not in the courtroom, I'm working on the closing submissions. I've been rushing to tie up as much as I can before I go on a family vacation to Egypt tomorrow (which I'm absolutely looking forward to!) so I'll probably not be blogging till I get back.

Happy holidays world!

I ran the marathon today. 

Well, it was the half marathon but still, 21 km is no joke. And I managed it in 3 hours and 50 mins so I'm rather proud of myself. I never thought I had it in me and all who know me know that I'm not exactly the fittest person they knew. But what I discovered was that by the middle of the distance, your body settles into a rhythm and the rest is more of a mental battle. Every time I thought we were about to finish, there would be another loop or turn, detouring the route for another 5 km. My hopes would surge, thinking it was all going to be over and then come crashing down when I saw how far the lap stretched after the bend. But quitting was never an option to me and I just learned to stop looking up to see where the end was, concentrating instead on my feet hitting the road. 

I was thoroughly impressed with the sheer number of people who turned up for the marathon. I never realised what a huge event it was even though the marathon happens every year. Roads had been blocked off and traffic rerouted for the thousands that had turned up for the run. To keep the energy up, they had posted cheerleaders along the route who would cheer us on and signs with slogans like 'the pride you'll gain is worth the pain'. Indeed, I am proud. 

I am also in pain. In the last 5 km, I wanted to just push myself and run it off but my calves decided that they'd have enough. Every time I broke into a jog, my muscles would cramp painfully and I had to slow myself to a brisk walk. By the end of it, I could barely take another step and I've been limping around for the rest of the day because my left ankle and knees are sore. I'm not looking forward to tomorrow when the muscle ache sets in. 

But I can now proudly say that I've run a marathon in my lifetime :)

Call me a heartless bitch but I hate to say that I had gotten to a point where every other terrorist attack that I heard about was just another unfortunate statistic. Don't get me wrong, it was a horrific thing to happen and I condemned the acts but if I were truly honest, it never hit me on more than a superficial level. I'd denounce it but I'd forget about it the next minute.

Many people know that on 26-27 Nov, a bunch of crazy terrorists went on a massacre in Mumbai, killing people point blank. At the time I heard about it, I was mainly concerned about my friends who had family there, praying they were all alright. But as per usual, other than just condemning the acts, I wasn't too bothered. That is until I heard about Ms. Lo Hwei Yen. Internationally, I doubt many people know who she is. But in Singapore, she's become a household name overnight. She was a young lawyer who had been in Mumbai and had been shot twice by the terrorists in her hotel room.

What struck me the most about her though was the fact that she could have been anyone of us. She was only 28, having started her legal career at the Firm, just like many of my friends, before she moved on to other big firms. she had been in India that night only because she had gone there for a business seminar. She was only supposed to be there a night before coming home. Any number of us could have been sent over for a business trip like that one. Any number of us could have been placed in that situation. Everyone keeps asking "why her?" because she was so young and full of life. The scary part is that if it wasn't her, it could have just as easily been one of us.

For once, its really hit close to home. In Singapore, as much as we talk about terrorism and defending ourselves from it, its always been something that happens in other countries. I feel sad that it took something like this to make us pay attention.

Today we were all called into a meeting with the Big Boss and told that we weren't billing enough hours. And of all the people in the room, he chose me to make an example of. He pointed out that I had only billed about 400 and something hours that year when the average was around 1000. That was not cool. And at the time it didn't bother me but afterwards, as I thought about it, I was peeved. It had been meant as a general reprimand for the group but if I was really doing that badly, surely he could have called me out in private. And the more I thought about it, the more I felt it was unjustified to say that I had billed less than half of what was the average for a year. I wondered if he had accounted for the fact that I had only started billing in June when I had gotten called to the bar. In which case I ought to have been compared against an average of around 500, making me below average but at least not by such a huge margin.

I spend hours at the Firm. I may not work till 3am like some people, but thats because I value my life more than this job which I've grown to hate. I would rather get out early (read=8pm) and go to the gym than start working on other things that aren't urgent. I only recently discovered that I wasn't billing things that I should have been, only because I had believed they didn't count. Like when you're sitting around talking about a case, that is supposed to count.

Ah well. Its done now. I know this frenzy has only sparked because its the time of the year when they take stock of these things to calculate our bonuses. But its disheartening all the same. If they're telling me that I need to be working harder and longer and billing more than I already am, I'm not sure how much more I have to give. I would rather spend this kind of time on something I'm actually passionate about and I'm starting to wonder if the law is really it.

I'm looking forward to the new year when I transfer to my new team. I just met with them just now and I love how I'm getting a good vibe from them. The team's energy is different, they're a smaller group and they strike me as being a bit more of a family than my large team. Hopefully it's what I need to keep me at this a while longer.

A friend of mine from boarding school recently accomplished something that I've secretly dreamed about for years: she published her first book. And while I sent along the usual congratulatory message, inside I was so envious. We used to talk about our writing, publishing it on our blogs. I would read hers regularly but honestly I always thought she had a rather meandering style, a little too artsy fartsy and disconnected. Definitely not something I would have bought if I'd chanced upon it at a bookstore. I always secretly thought my writing was better. But look who's just talking now and who actuåally has a book published. 

In a way it really makes me think about my job and what I'm doing. Writing has always been a passion and while I've completed a few novels already, I've never taken it to the next level of editing. I've never seriously considered this pursuit and taken the time to develop it. It makes me think about the writing that I have given up simply because I just didn't have the time anymore. 

I guess it comes down to the will to accomplish something. My friend slogged hard for what she did (though refused to offer more information than that when I asked how she did it) and in the end, even though her book is still something I'd never buy, the fact is, she's out there. And I'm still here, doing a job I almost hate and wondering how the hell I got stuck doing this and if I can ever get out. 

Perhaps I can use that as material for my next book....

Scratch what I said earlier... I still hate my job :(

I just got myself my first Mac! :D :D :D

The Boss has been surprisingly nice to me of late. Not that I'm complaining. Just noticing.

I like to think that perhaps, my impending move to a different team has finally sunken in and this is the last chance to get a good impression in. But honestly, I doubt he even cares or knows the true reason for my move. He's probably just been in a good mood lately.

Again, I'm not complaining. Yesterday provided a prime example. I showed him the first draft of my skeletal closing submissions for the trial we're working on and was fully expecting to be decimated, as per usual. I sat before him, watching his facial expressions contort as they always do when he's reading something that doesn't quite sound right, bracing myself for the onslaught. But instead of telling me how stupid my argument is and chucking the work back at me to redraft it, he explained to me that the language I'd used wasn't quite clear and needed to be tightened up and some aspects of my argument needed more research. Simple as that. And instead of walking out of the room screaming silent curses at him for not telling me where I'd gone wrong and leaving me still fumbling my way in the dark, I left the room determined to do a bit more research and come up with a better second draft. I understood what he meant about the language not being ironclad.

This was all I'd ever wanted from the Boss. My first draft was still rejected but the mode of rejection made all the difference. I don't believe I'm a stupid person. But I do know that I need a just a wee amount of encouragement to keep trying. Its a pity the Boss didn't resort to this tact earlier.

My transfer to the New Team is still somewhat up in the air. Its all been agreed on but nothing has been finalised yet. I went for my first divorce hearing on Friday which was quite fun, though I suppose not so much for the clients. And the members of the New Team seem really nice and more laid back. Hopefully the move will be a good one and my drive to remain in this profession revives.

In completely unrelated news, I'm thinking of buying an iMac. I'm presently a PC user. I'd love to hear any input from anyone on whether the Macs are as good as they sound.

On Saturday, a producer friend of mine asked me if I was willing to come onto her show to talk about a subject that was somewhat close to my heart: arranged marriages. Not that I'm looking forward to mine or even necessarily willing to have one, the whole concept is something I've always been familiar with as its so rampant in my culture. And ever since I turned "eligible", its been my mother's main mission to get me hitched, ideally to someone of her own choosing.

I agreed to be on the show, partly to help a friend out and partly also because I felt that there are a lot of myths about arranged marriages that have given rise to misconceived preconceptions of it amongst my friends. For starters, arranged marriages today are no longer about being forced into a marriage against your will, only meeting your spouse-to-be on the day you are to be wed. Today, the concept of having an arranged marriage, at least in the "modern" sense which would apply to me if I were ever to have an arranged marriage, is that my folks would introduce to guys that they think would suit me and if we hit it off, then great, we'd all have a wedding to attend in about a year's time. If not, they'd introduce me to someone else and so forth, until someone stuck. To me, its almost an extension of how friends already try and matchmake their friends and it saves me having to scour the earth trying to find someone my parents would approve of.

However, its not all as great as it seems. I have come to learn that while your parents always want the best for you, they may not know what exactly that is. Their definition of "the best" may not be the same as yours. They may think that someone with a great career and lots of money is a good catch while what I'd look for is someone who listens to my nonsense and doesn't get irritated when I randomly burst into song. I want someone who I can curl up and watch TV with at the end of a hard day at work, not someone who expects me to massage his feet when I come home half dead from work. I'd go for someone who makes me laugh over someone who makes a truckload of money.

Anyhoo, the point of this post was that I was interviewed for a segment in a show about arranged marriages. The show had a story from someone who was really traditional and super exciting about being arranged and a story from someone who'd had a horrific experience from having been married off to someone she barely knew. And then I came in as one of the voices of today to talk about how arranged marriages today are not what they used to be. They asked some pretty personal questions and I was quite frank in my responses, talking about the attempts my parents had made to set me up (*cough*Sunny*cough*)and even admitting that my relationship with NG had soured partly because of my parent's expectations of having "the best" for me.

I never got around to telling people I'd be on this show, partly because it wasn't a huge deal and partly because I wasn't sure how I'd be editted on the show. I certainly didn't tell my parents when it was being aired! But all day today, I've had the most random people coming up to me and telling me that they saw me on TV. I couldn't believe they'd seen the show! People ranging from The Boss' secretary to my old friends from secondary school had caught the show as well as the CEO of the Firm, who'd seen it briefly in the Court's bar room and turned to ask an associate next to him "Isn't she in our firm?" Ack! Who would have thought I'd caught the attention of the CEO!! And of all the topics, it was about arranged marriages! This can't bode well for my end of year bonus prospects :S

Nevertheless, the fifteen minutes of fame has been fun. I get mildly embarrassed when people mention it but I know I have nothing to hide since my views on the show are the same as I'd always expressed in person.

Two things:

First, Happy Birthday Wiggly!!! Wish I could have been there to celebrate it with you!

Second, today is NG's and my supposed one year anniversary. Yes, yes, I know officially we're over, but inside I still love the guy. More than I realise sometimes. We've been on and off even though we'd officially broken up 3 months ago. And I couldn't help but be awed when NG sent this message last night:

baby, i don't know if this is appropriate... happy supposed anniversary. i love you for who you are. i thank you for all the love we shared. i appreciate every effort you took to show love, effort to look beautiful for me, took time to see me when i was down and celebrated with me when i was happy. you have always been the girl of my dreams. i will always thank God for the day you walked into my life. i love you baby.

:)

To NG, because I know you are secretly reading (:-p): I know that things haven't quite turned out the way we had hoped. I'm not even sure where we'll be this time next year. But I do know that I'll always think of this past year with you, including all the good moments and the bad, as one of the happiest years of my life. I love you smelly belly.

Work has been so busy since coming back. We've gone into a full-fledged trial with documents and sharp-tongued arguments flying all over the place. Its a three-way fight and each party is sticking to their guns, no one wants to back down and settle when clearly, we are so winning. But don't quote me on this. I'm not liable for any representations made on this blog and on the off chance that the counsel from the other side are free enough to be blog-hopping and happen on my blog, i will disclaim all liabilty. But yes, in my humble opinion, I think things are looking good for our client.

It has been fun watching the trial unfold. Today our witnesses were being cross-examined and the Boss would jump up every so often to object to the other counsel's questions. Even when the evidence was slow, there was a certain amount of adrenaline in the room and I could feel why I had gotten into this profession. I even got a chance to say a word or two myself which irked the pompous ass to my left to no end.

The down side to trials is that going to one means you end up coming back to the office around 5.30 and starting a regular work day at that point so you're working doubly long hours. And for someone who's jetlagged, I'm well and truly exhausted!

Ah well, thankfully tomorrow is the last day of this tranche, am looking forward to getting some sleep this weekend!

I'm back in Singapore, back to work, back to the life I was trying to escape from for the last two weeks. My holiday away was simply brilliant. I didn't realise how much I needed that break. Even now, I'm sitting at my office and its about 8pm, I'l incredibly jetlagged and have tons of work, I still feel calm (or perhaps I just that damn tired and sleepy!) But seriously, I feel better than I have in awhile and I know my holiday accomplished what it was meant to.

London itself was grey and rainy as usual but I loved every second of it. Apparently it even snowed which is bizarre for October. I crashed at P's place which is right behind the London Eye (which certainly helped last Saturday when P and I were half drunk and stumbling home from a club in Trafalgar Square and knew we were going the right way because we could see the Wheel Of Hope ahead of us. In hindsight, it was probably quite a silly thing to be walking home at 4 in the morning but at the time we couldn't stop laughing about it. I mean really, the wheel of hope?! likening it to the north star that was directing us on our way?!? we must have been drunk). I mooched most of my time away, just catching up with friends over numerous meals and coffees, went to a couple of house parties and got hilariously drunk, chilled out with my girlfriends and ranted about men. I also jetted off to Milan and Venice for a couple of days to spend time with Wiggly and had the most amazing time! Venice is gorgeous!!! I definitely plan to spend more time in Europe next summer.

As for Z, he is officially being renamed Banker Wanker. For all the hype and sweet-talking and telling me how much he wanted to see me, he ended up cancelling on me last minute 3 times. By the third time when he asked if we could reschedule, I just told him I was too busy and had other plans. He claimed that work was really busy and in fairness, we all know how bad the markets are and how the bankers are suffering the most but I just felt that if he really wanted to, he could have squeezed in a drink with me or at least have the decency to pick up the phone and actually call me to cancel rather than just text. So that was that. He hasn't bothered to be in touch since I told him I was busy and I refuse to message him either.

Meanwhile, it didn't help that there was tons of NG drama going on along the way. Gosh, I'm just so tired of it all now. I went away to get away from him and even then he wouldn't leave me be. I felt so angry at him and still do. I feel like I'm becoming such a bitch to him and have taken on a very cold demeanor in my dealings with him now. But it needs to be done. How much longer can we drag this out?

P, bless her, spent her little free time trying to set me up with her various "eligible" male friends and I hate to say she was eventually successful :) Haha, not my fault though!! He was so incredibly cute and I was convinced he wouldn't be interested in me in the slightest. But we got along really well and ended up hooking up by the end of the night.

Anyways, its back to the grindstone now. I came back to a mass of work and discovered that my secretary "quit" the day after she was given notice that she would be fired. D is also leaving and I'm not quite sure I'll be able to face The Boss without him around. But on the brightside, the Big Boss has confirmed my transfer so there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And now, more than ever I am convinced I want to move back to London (in about a year or two and hopefully by then the whole credit crunch mess will be marginally better) so I might need to start looking to moving my ass to an off-shore firm.

I just hope things stay quiet for awhile more. I'm not ready to deal with more drama just yet.

Hello world!

After the madness of last week it feels so good to be sitting in a tiny apartment in London, sipping my PG tips tea and watching the Wright Stuff on Channel 5. I can't believe how much I've missed this country and how natural it felt to reassimilate myself here. The day I arrived the weather was all grey and gloomy and while the other passengers on the flight groaned when the pilot announced the weather, I was grinning.

So far the holiday has been nice and relaxing. Had dinner and drinks with some friends on Saturday night and went to an art gallery yesterday before meeting another friend for a coffee. It looks incredibly grey today but I'm going to hit the shops and maybe go to the park if the weather gets better.

In other news, I have much to think about and I was planning to use this holiday time thinking about it. I hope things get better and I am making the right decision.

Its finally here!!! The day before I go away on holiday for 2 whole weeks! Finally! It seemed like this day would never arrive, especially after the craziness of the last few weeks. But here we are. And no surprises for guessing that I haven't even packed yet. I have a ton of work to get through before the day is out and then gonna get waxed and pick up stuff from Wiggly's mom.

But I am in a fabulously good mood. Not even the Boss can get me down today.

Today has been an emotional day at work. I met with the Boss, we discussed work, for the first time I spoke back to him, I walked out, I cried over the phone to NG, I wrote an email to the Big Boss saying that I wanted to see him about a personal matter. NG calmed me down. I sniffled but stopped crying. My office roomie looked alarmed.
 
I was calm and made an attempt at my never-ending list of work to complete before I leave on Saturday, got a call from the Other Boss, worked straight for 5 hours including pouring over contracts with a fine-toothed comb and meeting clients in Deutsche Bank, came back and was called into a meeting with the Big Boss.

Big Boss seemed to know immediately something was wrong. I tried to sound as professional as I could. I wanted to try different type of work, I said. He jumped on it, telling me he would have a word with the right guy and move me tomorrow, he made it so simple. I didn't have to explain anymore. He said he'd rather move me to a different team than have me leave the firm.

I had to see the Boss next. I didn't want to say anything then, just wanted to quietly move away. But what I didn't know was that between my email to the Big Boss in the morning and my second meeting with the Boss in the evening, the word had already spread: Office Roomie mentioned something was up when D asked her if I was ok, Big Boss barged into the Boss' room, asking if something in particular had happened, the Boss suddenly being super nice and offering to take some files away from me and lighten my workload. I blurted out that might be a good idea since I was going to move to another team. D and him did not look surprised. They already knew.

So there it is. I'm finally moving away from the Boss who had killed my drive to be a lawyer. Working with the Other Boss today made me feel like I wasn't a total moron bacause the Other Boss actually took the time to explain things to me. And as soon as he did, I knew how I needed to work. But I couldn't just work for the Other Boss because I'd still be on the same team as the Boss. D told me later he was proud of me and happy for me. I knew he knew where I was coming from. Afterall, he too had tendered his resignation about a month ago and was leaving for better places.

Hopefully, this is the right choice. I guess only time will tell.

I've just been given the heads up that HR are going to fire my secretary.
 
!!
 
I swear, I had nothing to do with this! She's only been my secretary for a little over a month. But I'd heard a lot of rumours about her from her previous team. Like how she takes a LOT of days off for no good reason. And frankly, when I got a call this morning at 10.30 am from her telling me that she wouldn't be coming to work because she had to attend her brother's parent-teacher conference, I couldn't help but raise my eyebrow.
 
I hate to sound mean (but we all know that I'm totally bitching here). Perhaps today she really had to go to her brother's school because she's an orphan and her brother has nobody else. But then last Monday, her mother fell while cleaning the bathroom so she couldn't come to work then and she's clearly not an orphan if she has a mother who's failing in the bathroom (again, this could have been a perfectly legit excuse). And on Friday she didn't come coz she wasn't feel well. And on Monday this week she had conjunctivitis. Is it me, or is this a lot of bad stuff to happen to one person in the space of two weeks? Not to mention she was on leave last week on tuesday to thurday due to Eid.
 
Nevertheless, I've never grumbled about it out loud. For the most part, I think she's rather pleasant to be around and at least when she's here she does do the work that needs to be done. But it is incredibly frustrating when I come in to work and I need her to urgently do something and she's not there. Or today when I was looking for a bundle of documents that I'd asked her to bind but it had only been half done. I had to get another secretary to finish the work. The Boss had some how gotten wind of this, perhaps from another secretary in my team and had told me that I should complain to HR about it. I didn't even know I could.
 
I guess someone else got there before me. Now I'm not sure whether I should give her the heads up when she comes in tomorrow (or when ever...) or just play it dumb and act surprised when she tells me about it. Or should I just keep quiet and when she mentions it, confess that I'd heard about it some time ago. I'm not sure if it'd be the friendly thing to do to just warn her or if I even have the authority to, seeing as she hasn't officially been notified by HR.

My secretary came into my office the other day and said (with a notable amount of glee, I might add), "You're on leave after next week aren't you?"
 
I guess I couldn't blame her for being pleased... after all, I'm positively ecstatic when I know that the Boss is not at work.

 

"Yea, I am," I replied slowly, then brightened, remembering where I was going and realising that Oh MY GOD, its only next week!!!!! When I'd booked my tickets two months ago, it had seemed like a long time away. "I'm off to London and then Milan!"

 

"Don't rub it in," my office roomie grumbled.

 

Hah! I can and I will!!!

 

In other news, my secretary wants to take me out to lunch next week because it is Bosses Day. While I'm an incredibly chuffed at the idea (not that I'd ever heard of Bosses Day till now), I'm not quite sure what the decorum is here...:

 

1) I'm the boss and she's my secretary. Surely that means that no matter what the case, I am supposed to buy lunch, not her. I know this is old-fashioned and even somewhat patronising but then there's only one reason I would put myself through the horror of having lunch my Boss: I get a free lunch out of it.

 

2) We're the same age. I wonder if this trumps the Boss-Secretary rule in that now we're both almost like 2 friends going out for a meal in which I'd imagine we'd go dutch unless it was a special treat of some sort. Then again... I suppose Bosses' Day is a special occasion of sorts. A bit like how you'd bring your mum out for a nice meal on Mother's Day. Only treator wouldn't feel the same kind of love towards the treatee as he would towards his own mother.

 

3) Eeek! Does this mean I have to bring The Boss out for lunch?!?! Because that would be a completely masochistic thing to do, even for a free lunch. And seeing as it's Bosses' Day, that would mean I would have to pay but it would go back to the Boss-Junior Associate dichotomy (which is rather similar to the Boss-Secretary situation). Either way, lunch with the Boss just sounds like a daft idea.

 

Nevertheless, it's nice of my secretary to offer to take me out. I guess we'll see how it works :)

For those of us living under a rock or who are just not fans of F1 (ie. most of the world I guess, including myself), the latest leg of the grand prix was held right here in Singapore over this weekend. Despite the hype in the run up to the race, I just couldn't bring myself to feel the excitment and get caught up in the frenzy that seemed to have griped the nation. While businesses around me were gearing up for the weekend, jacking up their prices and cashing in on the fact that our tiny country was crawling with tourists who'd come in to watch the race, the only affect of F1 that I felt was the increased traffic as I drove into work due to the major roads that had been closed and converted into the F1 track. On Friday night, I was working at the office till about 8pm and only stopped because the noises of the F1 engines as they completed their warm-up laps made it impossible to concentrate.

 

Frankly, I couldn't see what all the fuss about. To me it was just a bunch of cars speeding around the roads of our central business district. NG tried to convince me otherwise and even wanted me to go with him to watch the race (he'd scored himself a weekend pass to the event) but I told him the ticket would have been wasted on me and would probably be more appreciated by someone else.

 

And yet, there I was on Sunday night, glued to my TV screen throughout the 61 laps as the cars whizzed past places that I was so familiar with... parliament building, the supreme court, the merlion, the esplanade theatres, even a stretch of the ECP. The race itself was nail-biting stuff: Picquet's crash that caused the shuffle in the track positioning, Massa's mishap with the feuling tube, Alonso jumping from 15th place at the start to win the whole damn race. It was the kind of race that would have made any non-believer a fan, including myself, I have to admit.

After yesterday's post about the weather I couldn't help but chuckle to myself at the irony of today's weather. It was almost as if God had heard me making fun of the half-hearted rain yesterday and was saying "how dare you mock me! so there, take that!" today.
 
It POURED today. I woke up to the sound of the rain beating against my window. It was the kind of morning that was perfect for blowing off work and sleeping in. It rained like I've never seen it before. The roads were flooded as I drove towards town to the point where I couldn't even see the wheels of the car in front of me because they were submerged in water. I pitied the poor sucker on the sidewalk being splashed with muddy water from all the cars driving past. Unfortunately, that was me moments later. I have to park my car diagonally across the road where my building is and have to cross two roads to get to my office. I was so thankful that I was wearing shorts today and clutching my heels in one hand and my umbrella in the other, I splashed through ankle-deep puddles in my flip flops. It was a bit of a mission but I made it to my office some twenty minutes later, relatively dry compared to others, after navigating the puddles and working out the shallowest points at which to cross, standing well away from the curbs at the cars drove by.
 
This was Asian rain :)
 
Anyhoo.
 
In completely unrelated news, its my dad's 50th birthday today. Its such a milestone of an age but my dad doesn't want to make a huge deal of it so we're just going to have our usual family birthday dinner. I spent days trying to come up with a gift idea but what on earth does one give a man who's at the top of his game and already has all the material things he could want? I did try to get him tickets to a show that I know he would have loved but unfortunately they were sold out. I'm stumped for ideas. Any suggestions anyone?

The Big Boss just emailed to remind us of the in-house talk this evening:

 

"RE:
1. "How Confidential are Arbitration Proceedings Now?" by Mr. Raymond Cox, QC
2. "Credit Crunch - Potential Litigation" by Mr. Nik Yeo

This is a reminder about this evening's talk at 5.30 pm by Raymond Cox QC and Nik Yeo from Fountain Court Chambers.

Please also remember that attendance at the talk is compulsory for all litigation junior associates. You will enjoy these talks.Tea will follow.

As we do not want to keep our guest speakers waiting, I would appreciate it if you could all be seated at 17 C1 and C2 no later than 5.25 pm, so that we can begin the talk punctually at 5.30 pm.

 

Big Boss"

 

Eep! We will enjoy these talks?! Err... whatever you say, chief.

As I was coming into work yesterday, the weather was incredibly grey and windy. It looked liked it was about to rain with everything it had. The wind was flinging leaves and plant debris everywhere and my umbrella kept threatening to flip inside out. The temperature must have dropped a good few degrees as it was suddenly very chilly. But the rain did not pour down in sheets as one would have expected. For all the fanfare around it, the rain itself was almost half-hearted: just an uneven shower of water that landed where ever the wind had blown it to. In fact, the only way to accurately describe the rain was to compare it to English rain.

 

In England, at least from the 5 years I had spent there, it never quite rained the way it does in Asia. Over here the rain falls in thick droplets, splashing on everyone and leaving large puddles everywhere. It rains heavily like this for about 20 to 30 minutes, then stops completely, leaving the weather cooler, albeit more humid. than before. But in England, the rain falls lightly, a shower that one can still escape from relatively dry even without an umbrella. But it rains for hours, leaving everything cold and grey and damp.

 

The rain yesterday was English rain. And while everyone around me looked as gloomy as the weather, I absolutely loved it because it reminded me of England. I've realised more and more lately just how much I really miss the place and my life there. When I left Singapore some 7 years ago, I remember thinking that this was it! That was my ticket out of Singapore and I had no intention of ever coming back. And yet, 5 years on, following the mess with the Muppet and the end of my degree when I was at a crossroads of what to do next, I let my guard down and let myself get convinced that coming back was a good idea.

 

On the whole, I don't regret my decision to come back. I'm not one for regrets and I would be lying if I didn't admit that life has been good to me here. I've got a good job at a good firm, I live at home so whatever I earn is spent on pampering myself, I have a car to drive around and I've met a man who's crazy about me. I'm at home for major holidays and spend more time with my family. I'm in the same country as my best friend again and have made a great number of new friends. I count myself lucky for all the things I have in my life and yet... something in me is yearning for something else. A challenge perhaps. The freedom I once had to do whatever I liked, whenever I liked. The responsibility to make my own choices and to pay my bills. I feel that coming back to Singapore was almost like taking a step backwards after coming into my own in England. The lifestyle here is much more muted, the people more sedate. I'm expected to behave a certain way.

 

I don't know if going back to England is the answer but that feeling I had way back when I'm 17 has resurfaced. I wasn't made to spend my entire life in Singapore. I'm itching to do something with my life, to move away again or to change the direction I'm moving in but not sure how to.

 

I'm looking forward to my upcoming holiday for the sole reason that I will finally get some time to myself. Its long overdue. I need to get away from my family, my work and my man and just have some time alone to think about what I want to do next.

 

Till then, I'll just enjoy the English rain thats falling on Singapore.

Ack. I just found out that my secretary and I are the same age. In fact, she's good friends with one of my former secondary school classmates as they were classmates in college. How awkward do I feel now having to tell her what to do?

NG and I were talking this morning and somehow got to talking about breastfeeding. I have no idea how we got onto that....

No seriously.... now that I think of it, its a very VERY weird conversation to be having with one's ex.

Oh wait! I remember now!!! I was telling him about the milk scare in China (scary stuff folks, melamine in the milk and all) and how I had heard on the news this morning that 50,000 babies in Hong Kong had become sick and had to be taken to a hospital. And then he said that if he had kids, he'd want his wife to breastfeed for a longer duration. Apparently he'd read somewhere that kids should be breastfed until the age of 3. He went on about the benefits of it like mother-child bonding, boosting the child's immunity and how its great for post-natal weight loss and even reduces the risk of cancer.

I was not convinced. THREE?! Seriously?! Aren't kids a bit too old to be sucking on their mom's tits at 3? The idea just doesn't seem right to me and I'm sure it wasn't healthy for a child to still be suckling at 3. I was sure the answer was closer to 9 months or something.

So I googled it :)

According to breastfeeding.com, NG was right! Studies have shown that children should be breastfed for at least a year to 18 months and even after that. Not to mention that he was spot on about the benefits.

Who would have thought? Guess you learn something new everyday, though its safe to say that this new information has been filed away in the compartment of my brain that stores useless information. I have no intention of breastfeeding anyone anytime soon. There are still many corporate ladders to climb.

Just when I think I'm getting the hang of things, something fucks up and I'm in the doghouse again. I get put down and trodden on and curl into a ball and cry when no one's looking then pick myself up again, vowing to be better this time. And for awhile, it seems like I'm getting the hang of things again, before something else fucks up and vicious cycle starts again.

 

Working for the Boss is challenging at best. At worst, its what I imagine hell would feel like. And quite frankly, I'm starting to wonder how much more of this hell can I tolerate.

 

I've been told too many times now that I get screwed because I'm one of the most junior people in the Firm. If things go wrong, I'm the first to get a finger pointed at to take the blame. And in fairness, I do still make mistakes here and there as I learn how things work around here. I've also been told that its tough love, and I should just suck it up.

 

But there are ways of telling someone that they're wrong. In my opinion, putting them down and making them feel like they are worthless isn't it. Shooing them away when they ask a question only to berate them later for getting it wrong just isn't right. And frankly, tough love doesn't work on everyone. As much as I tell myself that I am like teflon and nothing the say sticks to me, in truth, their words have me questioning my choice of firm, of career, of industry. Perhaps I'm just not cut out for this job.

 

The thoughts have me considering my options now. What's next now that I'm already this deep in? Is there anywhere else to go? Can I? If so, how?

 

I guess I'll just have to find out. But one thing is for sure, I have lost all drive and motivation and certainly won't be able to sustain this much longer.

When the Boss is away.... The Girl breathes easier at work.

 

I had all of 3 and a half hours of sleep last night, partly because I slept plenty this weekend and partly because everytime I was trying to fall asleep, all I could think about was that it was Monday today and I had tons of work and was terrified of the Boss calling it in when I wasn't finished yet.

 

I reckon I'm a teensy bit stressed.

 

But my day was made when I found out that the Boss was on leave! PHEW!

 

In other news, there's a new intern at the Firm today, conveniently sitting right outside my office and admittedly very pleasant to look at and comes complete with a hot British accent (although he's Indian). My office roomie and I can't help but check him out as he saunters in and out of our office with files. Shame he's only 20... it would be cradle-snatching and practically incest seeing as my brother is the same age.

 

Still, at least there's something interesting to distract our attention with when we're tired of all the cases :)

NG and I went to see My Sassy Girl last night, a movie starring Jesse Bradford and Elisha Cuthbert. It was a rather typical sappy romance movie but something about the movie really hit too close to home. The movie was about a couple who met rather randomly and fell in love despite the antics only for the girl to tell the guy that she wasn't ready to be with him and asked him to wait until she was. And wait he did. And in the end, they obviously got back together but the journey of how they got from start to end reminded me a little too much of the situation with NG. At one point in the movie, I glanced over and noticed he too was tearing. I reached out and let my fingers interlace with his. In a way, I felt the movie conveyed to him how I felt better than I could have with my words and his emotions showed me that he understood what I was trying to say.

 

Its hard to say where things stand now. We both are still clinging to whatever we have left after the relationship has been taken out of the equation, knowing its only too easy to slip back into the comfort we find in each other and yet putting up the appearance that we can just be friends. Since the blowout last week, things have almost reverted to the way they were, with the exception that we're constantly reminding ourselves that we're no longer together. We remain in contact throughout the day and still meet up regularly. But its a constant struggle to keep my hands out of his hair.

 

I still love him. Or perhaps more accurately, I still care for him. I'm not sure if the difference is significant anymore.

 

I know logically what I need to do. I need to be strong and enforce the break-up. I need to see him less and not answer his calls all the time. I need to learn to live without knowing he'll be there whenever I call, and indeed, learning not to call him whenever I need him. I have already made such a mess of things.

 

Its been almost a month since things ended. Everyone promised that things would get easier. I hope they're right.

The following is a Facebook conversation with Z that has left me somewhat irked. It started off when Z's status read "Will be back at uni (studying!) in October, the terrorising shall begin again." I was reminded of a conversation we had previously, about how we had wasted our Uni years by being good when there was so much we could have gotten away with but didn't. Hence, I sent the first email:

 

Girl: going back to uni? for a second shot at all the good things you missed out on the first time round?

 

Z: You got it!!! Not going to make any conservative mistakes this time round!! Going hell for leather!! Hows is your gorgeous self these days?

 

Girl: haha! where are you going? and what are you doing? (education-wise!) I'm ok, just swamped with work :( have an appeal tmr and trial on thursday and i'm going to just move into my office.

 

Z: LSE, Masters in Finance. MBA seemed like too much hassle as i didnt want to go into consultancy or anything. If i had thought this out better i would have done an MBA just for the sake of going to school in the US! Your hot, have sex. It'll make you feel better! p.s. On a serious note, that sounds like complete poo!

 

Girl: I'm being holy this month :-p the only after-dark pleasures i'll be indulging in are chocolate and milo dinosaurs! work is tough but i'm going on holiday in october so at least i have somehting to look forward to :) how long is your course? i'm assuming you're giving up working for awhile as well then?

 

Z: hahaha, very good point!! At least you can have after-dark pleasures! I need to find someone to have that kind of fun with! :-( Where you going on holiday? Its a 2 year course, and yup NO work... wooo!!

 

Girl: Actually, there isn't anyone to have after dark pleasures with here either. But on the bright side, only a month or so till uni... i'm sure you'll find plenty of people to have fun with ;) I'm off to london and milan in october. somewhat random i know but i'm super excited. i haven't been since i graduated and i have been dying to go back.

 

Z: Well.... if you are in london, give me a shout!... after dark fun if you want ;-)

 

Girl: i'll think about it.

 

And am currently thinking that I probably won't. I mean come on.... our conversations have always been on the flirty side (alright, they are often overtly sexual) but this is just getting a wee bit much. He sounds like he just wants to have sex with me and while thats vaguely flattering, I'm just not that kinda girl honey. I may flirt and tease but I'm not looking for random sex with some dude who'll forget my name afterwards.

 

Z had been introduced to me by our mutual friend who thought we would be suited to each other. And while he's what many girls may describe as a "catch" (ie, ridiculously good-looking, very intelligent and rolling in the dough), not to mention that he's the exact kind of guy my mother would pat me on the head for a job well done if I were to bring him home, he's just starting to sound a tad skeezy to me.

 

I dunno. Perhaps I've given off all the wrong signals and I've been placed in his "random hook-up/have fun with" category which is exactly where I didn't want to be. And perhaps my recent obsession with a book entitled "Why men love bitches" may have something to do with this, I think its time to pull back and leave Z hanging. I know I deserve better. And if Z doesn't know that too, that's really his loss.

Because I know Facebook never lies and we all know I'd addicted to Facebook and now even have instant updates as to what people are up to, the following must be true:

"[The Ex] has booked has booked himself a trip to Tahiti Bora-Bora Island!!!"

I was so insanely curious I googled the location straight away. I mean, I've heard of Tahiti and Bora-Bora but I never actually knew where it was. And now I know where it is. And my goodness, it looks like heaven on earth.

I'm actually rather pleased for the Ex. He needs a break as much as I do. I'd been telling him that he should book himself a relxing holiday and just get away for awhile and I'm glad he's doing this for himself.

"Our much much anticipated holiday in the land of fesyen, hot men, pizzas, hot men, pretty lakes, hot men. :D" -- Wiggly on our impending holiday in Milan.

 

I'm starting to wonder why I've never been to Italy before Wiggly pointed out that all the things that I love can be found there in one convenient locale! Surely nothing can beat shopping at high fashion stores (alright fine... window shopping then) then stopping for a pizza at a cute cafe next to a pretty lake while being surrounded by hot men. Or even hot men feeding me pizza by a pretty lake before taking me out shopping in the land of fashion. Heck, I'll even settle for a hot man wearing something fashionable eating pizza while showing me around a pretty lake. Sigh, the possibilities are endless (though now that I'm thinking about it, I quite like the second option I just came up with....)

 

Dammit! Only 58 days to go!! Yes. I am counting the days. You would be too if you knew of the possibilities.

 

In other completely unrelated news, I have crossed a line of geekdom which I never envisaged myself crossing. I have just downloaded Facebook onto my Blackberry! I'm so proud of myself :D Aside from the fact that I have joined the dark-side and sold my soul to the corporate hellhole that is The Firm who in turn have chained me to my work in the form of a small(ish) black device, I can now log on to Facebook anytime, anywhere!! Think of all the stalk-age time that would have otherwise been wasted while we are forced to be away from our computers during times such as when we commute or go to the bathroom. Now I'll always be up to date with what everyone's status update says and I'll always be the first to know if any incriminating photos have been posted. It will take my stalking of Z to an entirely freakish new level.

 

Lol, alright, I'm starting to scare myself somewhat. But at least my Blackberry will keep me occupied with something more interesting than just work emails, especially when emails from Z are usually much more exciting ;-)

I don't know what is up with me lately. I'm cranky and moody. I hate work and my roommate irritates me. I secretly wish my Boss will meet with a horrible accident that will prevent him from coming to work. I am angry with the Ex and want him leave me alone. I wish he would pull himself together and stop being so clingy. And to stop calling me at 3am.

I am tired.

I just received a confirmation letter from the Big Boss signalling that I am no longer on probation and am now more officially an employee of The Firm.

While others, such as Superman, are probably thrilled at this, this letter couldn't have come at a worse time. I presently hate my job. Well, ok, perhaps that statement is a bit strong. More accurately, I dislike my Boss. I realise that I am absolutely unmotivated at work and I dread seeing him. I question why I've chosen this career path and am seriously considering my options so as to get out of it. People have said that its just a rough patch and everyone suffers through their first year. But I look around me and feel like everyone else is adjusting just fine and don't drag their feet the way I do. Everyone else seems so much more enthusiastic and motivated. Perhaps I just have a poor work attitude.

Nevertheless. I can't believe I've been at the Firm as an Associate for 3 months already. I can't believe I've been a lawyer for 3 months. I wonder how much longer I'll last.

I spent close to three hours yesterday photocopying and binding cases. Three! I didn't need 5 years of legal training for this! @#$%!!

But on a happier note, I've finally booked myself a holiday to London!! Wheee!! :D

Breaking up is truly awful. I really hope I never have to do this again. In the continued obsession with our stuff, I returned all the gifts and things that he'd given me over the span of our relationship as per his request. That included my bracelet, my iPod, his football jersey that I used to wear to bed, the little bears that sat in my car... almost everything I could think of. I held on to one or two items because I still wanted to remember our relationship. I told him in a note that I didn't want any of my things back. If there was anything he didn't want anymore, he could just throw it all away.

I had also been avoiding all of his calls. It really hadn't been easy. Every time that phone buzzed I would stare at it, silently apologising for not answering until the buzzing stopped. Until this morning that is. And now I wish I had just not answered that one too. He asked me why I was doing this to him and why I had been avoiding his calls. He asked me why I had left him again and this time I just spat it out. I'd met someone who possessed certain qualities that he just never would. Qualities that I thought I could live without but after having seen them on someone else, realised that I did want those things. He had obviously not been expecting me to say that.

So he officially hates me now. I just kept silent and let him jump to the conclusions that I was a lying, cheating whore. There was no use in defending myself when he wasn't prepared to listen. He told me that he regretted our entire relationship and that it had been a complete waste of his time. I couldn't help but think of all of those times when I told him that I was afraid to leave him because I knew he would think I had been leading him on and he had assured me that he wouldn't think that. And yet here we were.

I do not regret our relationship. I regret how I acted towards him as we neared the end of our relationship. And I regret that it took me meeting someone else to give me that push to let go of him. But I do not regret having spent all those months with him. As I've always said with at the end of everyone of my previous relationships, I am thankful for the learning experience. I learnt what it was like to be in a loving relationship. I learned what I was like as a girlfriend. I had my best friend by my side all the time. And I also learned that I want someone who has the same background as me and that there are people like that out there.

Since then I've had to put up with the hurtful words being flung my way. But I suppose I deserve them in a way. I had been a bitch afterall. But he just wasn't the one. I can't help how I feel and I can't force myself to love someone I just don't feel for. Perhaps in time I'll kick myself for letting go of someone so good. But as P said, I have to let go until I know whats true. And the only way to find out is to get out there and let life happen.

Still, knowing it was the right thing to do doesn't make breaking up and being hated any easier.

Things we do at The Firm: play random "word games" via the internal email network. Following a conversation this afternoon at lunch about me checking out another woman's ample chest, the game began. The challenge: to use the word of the day 3 times in an email to a random 3rd party recipient. Can you figure out what the word is?

D1's email to D2:

D2,
I was shown your sms by C about the ample abuse that is heaped on you.
Let me take this opportunity to tell you i sympathise and am sorry for your predicament. As C said, among us, you are probably one of the most hard working ple around as you devote a large and ample amount of your time to your work and your craft and the abuse is uncalled for.
Take ample strength in the knowledge that you are well regarded by your peers.
Take care bro.

My email to M:

Dear M,
I cannot amply express how helpful you have been on this matter to me, especially since I did not have a secretary at the time. Your ample effort in overseeing siti as she put together the bundles as well as your help when I had to make an application for extension of time will always be appreciated. I can only hope that sab will have ample opportunity to work with you and to learn how our team handles liti matters.

The Girl

N's email to D2:

Dear D2,
I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you how much I appreciate the ample help you've given me over the past 8 months. Your ample guidance has been invaluable, especially during the first few months when I was still trying to find my feet.
I sincerely hope we won't lose you like how we're losing D1.
Take heart in the fact that we have ample regard for you and your abilities, and I hope you keep your spirits up.

N.

And finally C's email to Superman (and arguably the most subtle of the lot!):

Yo bro
Just giving you a run down of what happened at the PTC today.
Customs Prosecutor, Gurmit Singh, asked for a further 4 week adjournment. As instructed, I didn't object or even make a face. The next PTC date is on 10 September 2008, 9am.
This should provide ample time for the customs officials get back to us. I was told by Gurmit Singh that the file had been passed to the AGC and that he was briefed by the IO that they should get a reply from the US by then. At least it's a sign that things are moving in the right direction.
I told the clients this and they reiterated the need for a definitive answer to be reached. The fact that the AGC had taken the file seemed to leave them amply satisfied but I did remind them that just because we were expecting a response from the AGC didn't mean that the response would be good.
Gurmit Singh said that he would get someone from the AGC to contact us (meaning you). If you don't hear anything from them soon, you might want to chase them somewhat.

C.

p.s. I am pleased to inform you that there is now an ample supply of chocolate in my room. Feel free to come by.

If nothing else, I think this takes procrastination to a whole different level.

I have to admit, as much as I moan and groan about work, there's something about wearing a black suit and a string of pearls, paired with some pointed stilettos, that makes me feel incredibly powerful. I feel like I can walk into any room and make people cower at my feet.

Well, perhaps with the exception of the Judge who I'm probably cowering before.

But still. This morning as I walked into the courtroom, I could feel my confidence oozing out of my body and into the surrounding area. I felt young, hot and professional. With my shoulders squared, I went in to see the Judge, pleaded my case and lost but still walked out feeling like a million bucks.

I must admit, there are days when this whole Law Business doesn't seem so bad. Being the only girl on my team also means I seem to end up with the random female clients that the men don't want to handle. Like today for instance, I had a client come to see me about a fairly small matter. Her ex-boyfriend and her still co-habited and she wanted him out while she got to keep the place (Anyone seen the Break-up with Jenn Aniston? That was the first thing to pop into my head). Although the matter was small enough to be dealt with over the phone, she insisted on coming in to see me. The Boss wouldn't have touched the case with a ten-foot pole so he threw me into the deep-end and told me to advise her.

So off I went. I walked into a room that reeked of expensive perfume to find an incredibly attractive woman sitting before me. She was dressed to the nines (complete with a frou frou looking hat!) in a low-cut black dress and perfect make-up and I couldn't help but check out her fantastic cleavage. I mean, the woman was hot! The boys had no idea what they were missing when they dumped this one on me.

I listened to her for half an hour as she ranted about her Ex and her house, nodding empathetically as she spoke. She wanted to know what her legal rights were. I hadn't a clue. Frankly the whole thing just sounded like a nasty couple squabble, certainly nothing to get lawyers involved for. So I told her to change her phone number and change the locks and not to bother litigating. Then I sent her a bill for the "consultation".

This is Adrian Tan's convocation speech to NTU's (singapore)
graduating class of 2008. He wrote The Teenage Textbook and is a
litigator for Drew & Napier in Singapore.

Life and How to Survive It

I must say thank you to the faculty and staff of the Wee Kim Wee
School of Communication and Information for inviting me to give your
convocation address. It's a wonderful honour and a privilege for me to
speak here for ten minutes without fear of contradiction, defamation
or retaliation. I say this as a Singaporean and more so as a husband.

My wife is a wonderful person and perfect in every way except one. She
is the editor of a magazine. She corrects people for a living. She has
honed her expert skills over a quarter of a century, mostly by
practising at home during conversations between her and me.

On the other hand, I am a litigator. Essentially, I spend my day
telling people how wrong they are. I make my living being
disagreeable.

Nevertheless, there is perfect harmony in our matrimonial home. That
is because when an editor and a litigator have an argument, the one
who triumphs is always the wife.

And so I want to start by giving one piece of advice to the men: when
you've already won her heart, you don't need to win every argument.

Marriage is considered one milestone of life. Some of you may already
be married. Some of you may never be married. Some of you will be
married. Some of you will enjoy the experience so much, you will be
married many, many times. Good for you.

The next big milestone in your life is today: your graduation. The end
of education. You're done learning.

You've probably been told the big lie that "Learning is a lifelong
process" and that therefore you will continue studying and taking
masters' degrees and doctorates and professorships and so on. You know
the sort of people who tell you that? Teachers. Don't you think there
is some measure of conflict of interest? They are in the business of
learning, after all. Where would they be without you? They need you to
be repeat customers.

The good news is that they're wrong.

The bad news is that you don't need further education because your
entire life is over. It is gone. That may come as a shock to some of
you. You're in your teens or early twenties. People may tell you that
you will live to be 70, 80, 90 years old. That is your life
expectancy.

I love that term: life expectancy. We all understand the term to mean
the average life span of a group of people. But I'm here to talk about
a bigger idea, which is what you expect from your life.

You may be very happy to know that Singapore is currently ranked as
the country with the third highest life expectancy. We are behind
Andorra and Japan, and tied with San Marino. It seems quite clear why
people in those countries, and ours, live so long. We share one thing
in common: our football teams are all hopeless. There's very little
danger of any of our citizens having their pulses raised by watching
us play in the World Cup. Spectators are more likely to be lulled into
a gentle and restful nap.

Singaporeans have a life expectancy of 81.8 years. Singapore men live
to an average of 79.21 years, while Singapore women live more than
five years longer, probably to take into account the additional time
they need to spend in the bathroom.

So here you are, in your twenties, thinking that you'll have another
40 years to go. Four decades in which to live long and prosper.

Bad news. Read the papers. There are people dropping dead when they're
50, 40, 30 years old. Or quite possibly just after finishing their
convocation. They would be very disappointed that they didn't meet
their life expectancy.

I'm here to tell you this. Forget about your life expectancy.

After all, it's calculated based on an average. And you never, ever
want to expect being average.

Revisit those expectations. You might be looking forward to working,
falling in love, marrying, raising a family. You are told that, as
graduates, you should expect to find a job paying so much, where your
hours are so much, where your responsibilities are so much.

That is what is expected of you. And if you live up to it, it will be
an awful waste.

If you expect that, you will be limiting yourself. You will be living
your life according to boundaries set by average people. I have
nothing against average people. But no one should aspire to be them.
And you don't need years of education by the best minds in Singapore
to prepare you to be average.

What you should prepare for is mess. Life's a mess. You are not
entitled to expect anything from it. Life is not fair. Everything does
not balance out in the end. Life happens, and you have no control over
it. Good and bad things happen to you day by day, hour by hour, moment
by moment. Your degree is a poor armour against fate.

Don't expect anything. Erase all life expectancies. Just live. Your
life is over as of today. At this point in time, you have grown as
tall as you will ever be, you are physically the fittest you will ever
be in your entire life and you are probably looking the best that you
will ever look. This is as good as it gets. It is all downhill from
here. Or up. No one knows.

What does this mean for you? It is good that your life is over.

Since your life is over, you are free. Let me tell you the many
wonderful things that you can do when you are free.

The most important is this: do not work.

Work is anything that you are compelled to do. By its very nature, it
is undesirable.

Work kills. The Japanese have a term "Karoshi", which means death from
overwork. That's the most dramatic form of how work can kill. But it
can also kill you in more subtle ways. If you work, then day by day,
bit by bit, your soul is chipped away, disintegrating until there's
nothing left. A rock has been ground into sand and dust.

There's a common misconception that work is necessary. You will meet
people working at miserable jobs. They tell you they are "making a
living". No, they're not. They're dying, frittering away their
fast-extinguishing lives doing things which are, at best, meaningless
and, at worst, harmful.

People will tell you that work ennobles you, that work lends you a
certain dignity. Work makes you free. The slogan "Arbeit macht frei"
was placed at the entrances to a number of Nazi concentration camps.
Utter nonsense.

Do not waste the vast majority of your life doing something you hate
so that you can spend the small remainder sliver of your life in
modest comfort. You may never reach that end anyway.

Resist the temptation to get a job. Instead, play. Find something you
enjoy doing. Do it. Over and over again. You will become good at it
for two reasons: you like it, and you do it often. Soon, that will
have value in itself.

I like arguing, and I love language. So, I became a litigator. I enjoy
it and I would do it for free. If I didn't do that, I would've been in
some other type of work that still involved writing fiction – probably
a sports journalist.

So what should you do? You will find your own niche. I don't imagine
you will need to look very hard. By this time in your life, you will
have a very good idea of what you will want to do. In fact, I'll go
further and say the ideal situation would be that you will not be able
to stop yourself pursuing your passions. By this time you should know
what your obsessions are. If you enjoy showing off your knowledge and
feeling superior, you might become a teacher.

Find that pursuit that will energise you, consume you, become an
obsession. Each day, you must rise with a restless enthusiasm. If you
don't, you are working.

Most of you will end up in activities which involve communication. To
those of you I have a second message: be wary of the truth. I'm not
asking you to speak it, or write it, for there are times when it is
dangerous or impossible to do those things. The truth has a great
capacity to offend and injure, and you will find that the closer you
are to someone, the more care you must take to disguise or even
conceal the truth. Often, there is great virtue in being evasive, or
equivocating. There is also great skill. Any child can blurt out the
truth, without thought to the consequences. It takes great maturity to
appreciate the value of silence.

In order to be wary of the truth, you must first know it. That
requires great frankness to yourself. Never fool the person in the
mirror.

I have told you that your life is over, that you should not work, and
that you should avoid telling the truth. I now say this to you: be
hated.

It's not as easy as it sounds. Do you know anyone who hates you? Yet
every great figure who has contributed to the human race has been
hated, not just by one person, but often by a great many. That hatred
is so strong it has caused those great figures to be shunned, abused,
murdered and in one famous instance, nailed to a cross.

One does not have to be evil to be hated. In fact, it's often the case
that one is hated precisely because one is trying to do right by one's
own convictions. It is far too easy to be liked, one merely has to be
accommodating and hold no strong convictions. Then one will gravitate
towards the centre and settle into the average. That cannot be your
role. There are a great many bad people in the world, and if you are
not offending them, you must be bad yourself. Popularity is a sure
sign that you are doing something wrong.

The other side of the coin is this: fall in love.

I didn't say "be loved". That requires too much compromise. If one
changes one's looks, personality and values, one can be loved by
anyone.

Rather, I exhort you to love another human being. It may seem odd for
me to tell you this. You may expect it to happen naturally, without
deliberation. That is false. Modern society is anti-love. We've taken
a microscope to everyone to bring out their flaws and shortcomings. It
far easier to find a reason not to love someone, than otherwise.
Rejection requires only one reason. Love requires complete acceptance.
It is hard work – the only kind of work that I find palatable.

Loving someone has great benefits. There is admiration, learning,
attraction and something which, for the want of a better word, we call
happiness. In loving someone, we become inspired to better ourselves
in every way. We learn the truth worthlessness of material things. We
celebrate being human. Loving is good for the soul.

Loving someone is therefore very important, and it is also important
to choose the right person. Despite popular culture, love doesn't
happen by chance, at first sight, across a crowded dance floor. It
grows slowly, sinking roots first before branching and blossoming. It
is not a silly weed, but a mighty tree that weathers every storm.

You will find, that when you have someone to love, that the face is
less important than the brain, and the body is less important than the
heart.

You will also find that it is no great tragedy if your love is not
reciprocated. You are not doing it to be loved back. Its value is to
inspire you.

Finally, you will find that there is no half-measure when it comes to
loving someone. You either don't, or you do with every cell in your
body, completely and utterly, without reservation or apology. It
consumes you, and you are reborn, all the better for it.

Don't work. Avoid telling the truth. Be hated. Love someone.

You're going to have a busy life. Thank goodness there's no life expectancy.

In a country as tiny as Singapore, to own a car and to drive it around everyday is a fairly big deal. It certainly isn't cheap either and the rising petrol prices are deterring even more people from driving. (well, except me obviously. I seem rather content to pay through my ass for my car and be broke for everything else.)

Nevertheless, in a country as tiny as Singapore, you'd think that driving around would be a fairly painless activity. Afterall, it takes all of two hours or so to get from one end of the island to the other by train. So driving the relatively short distance from my office to the Boyfriend's house should really only take me about 30mins, 40 at most if one factors in peak hour traffic and all those other folks clamouring to get home after a grueling day at work.

Except that it took me nearly 2 hours to get to his house yesterday evening!!! TWO! I even rerouted my journey to get off the overly congested highway and it still took that long as even the alternative routes were jammed. It was the most frustrating journey I've ever endured and I was one grumpy woman by the time I got to his house. It wasn't even raining nor was there any mention of there being an accident on the roads. The jam was simply puzzling.

But seriously, I thought the recent ERP hikes were supposed to cure this sort of thing. Admittedly I'm not exactly helping the jam by insisting on driving myself but I know many a Singaporean has given up the luxury of driving in favour of cheaper alternatives. So why on earth were so many of us battling the ridiculous traffic?! Perhaps there are a lot more people like me on the road than I realised.

For the past month I've had Ivan the Intern shadowing my every move and doing the crappy bits of research I just couldn't be bothered to do. And today, on his last day he gave me a box of chocolates to say 'thanks' for making his experience at The Firm a good one. I must say I was rather touched by the gesture :)

In other news, for the first time in my life, my account has gone into five digits. More specifically, those five digits were earned entirely through my late nights and slavery at the Firm. And I thought I'd never allow myself to be bought but I must say, knowing that I have that much money in my account is somewhat exhilirating.

Something happened yesterday between the Boyfriend and I (ha ha, aside from the fact that I'm still referring to him as the Boyfriend I suppose :-p). I went to see him because he had witnessed something really horrific earlier that day and I couldn't help but to reach out to him. But in the process, we started talking about us and where things had gone wrong and realised that we could pinpoint it to a particular event in our relationship: it was when the Muppet came to visit.

Now, I know I can't blame him for everything, even though I would like to. But I do know that his arrival was the catalyst for the downward turn that our relationship took. He disrupted the happy little world that the Boyfriend and I created for ourselves. And while we must all live in reality, we really were quite happy with each other when we weren't having to consider life's big questions about marriage and religion and children. We were just happy hanging out with each other. After all, ours was just a fledgling relationship of about 6 months and it was really much to soon to be deciding on such key issues when neither of us was really ready to do so.

Nevertheless, I'm not quite sure where we stand now. All I know is that my pretty bracelet was clasped back onto my wrist at some point. We are going to see each other a little less and spend a bit more time with ourselves and our friends. Perhaps as A2 had said, things can get claustrophobic when one spends too much time when someone.

I dragged the Boyfriend along with me while I went to get a haircut and of all the people in the world, I ran into the Boss at the hair salon! It was bizarre indeed seeing him there with his young son. I knew the moment he saw the Boyfriend and I together he would ask questions later (indeed, he had told me to take time off when we had broken up) and later when he was sat on the bench next to mine as we got our hair shampooed he mentioned that it was good to see us together again. I just smiled. It felt good to be with him again.

Perhaps I'm just not ready to let go of him. Perhaps I'm not even supposed to. Perhaps when I am supposed to, I'll be ready to do so.

Its quite amazing the power that material possessions take on when there's an emotion attached to them. Suddenly, a little scrap of paper like a parking fine, takes on a whole new meaning when you remember that the parking fine was issued on a night when you went over to the boy's house because he was too sick and you cuddled on the couch watching movies till late, not caring that you'd fall sick too given the close proximity.

Or that little bracelet that I hadn't really liked when he first gave it to me in a shopping mall one night but the next day when I saw it in natural sunlight, it glittered and gleamed and from that moment the bracelet never left my wrist because I had fallen in love with it. Kinda reminds me of our entire relationship in general. How I hadn't liked him at first but fell completely in love with him as I got to know him.

He gave me back all of my stuff today. Material possessions no doubt but they were all things that were now too painful to look at because they carried the weight of the memories attached to them. He just handed it over in one big bag, from the mundane crap I'd left in his car to the gifts that I had spent hours deliberating over, right down to the little love notes I used to slip into his pocket when he wasn't paying attention. I tried to tell him that I couldn't accept them back, afterall, what was I going to do now with a Liverpool keychain, but he told me that he couldn't bear to look at them and remember me.

In a swirl of emotions, I gave back my beloved bracelet, the one that I had fallen in love with and never wanted to take off. I gave it back because I knew I couldn't keep it anymore. Just like that, even though I had fallen in love with him and never wanted things to be this way, I gave him back his heart because I couldn't keep it anymore. I didn't feel right anymore. I didn't deserve to have something so beautiful and not be able to appreciate its true value.

To my gerbil, if you ever chance upon my blog again: Thank you for everything. Thank you for loving me and being who you are to me.

I've ended things. Or more specifically, he could just feel that something was up and called me on it and I just admitted that he was right. I feel like a horrible person. Why can't I just be happy knowing that I have a gorgeous man by my side who loves me so much that he would do anything for me? What's wrong with me? Why can't I feel the same?

I can't put my finger on it. There's something intangible that I just know isn't there. I wish things made more sense. All I know is that I feel trapped. I feel pressured to be here. I am so scared to hurt him.

He is my best friend and the nicest boyfriend I've ever had. I doubt I'll ever find someone who will love me the same way. But I know that he deserves better and will find better. He deserves more than a girl who can't make up her mind as to whether this is what she wants or if this is who she wants to be with. A girl who's caught between making herself happy right now and making the right choice for her life.

I know with time, I'll be ok. And I know a fabulous guy like him, with time, will be ok too.

With time, everything will be ok.

I feel like I suddenly have a very clear understanding of RS. Or rather, a very clear understanding of why RS and me were the way that we were. He just never liked me the way I liked him. Sure, he must have liked me a little. But it wasn't enough. And it was only when I realised that that I was able to let go. He used to say to me that there was a reason he didn't want to commit to me, even though we were sleeping with each other all those months. He just never wanted to commit and on my part, like a fool, I thought I would wait. He had flimsy reasons... like perhaps he'd commit after he graduated, he wanted to concentrate on his studies till then, he wasn't ready and was still not over his ex, he had depression and could not handle a relationship, etc etc and I actually believed him. I actually believed that I would wait till the appropriate moment and he would commit to me then.

Anyways, the point is that one day, a switch flipped in my head and I realised what a moron I was. He just wasn't that into me. And just like that I was ok again. Sure I missed talking to him for awhile. But I got over it. I met the Boyfriend. I fell in love again.

Only this time, the roles have reversed. I'm the one putting the breaks on things. I'm the one who doesn't want to commit. He's telling me he will wait for me. But this time, I'm RS. I'm telling him that I'm not ready, that I don't want committment, etc etc. Lame excuses to cover up the real reason: He's just not the one. And I'm just not as into him as he is to me. And now that I've admitted that to myself, there's no point in continuing a relationship that is going no where.

It doesn't help that he has been the perfect boyfriend all this while. He's my first proper boyfriend and going by all the men I've vicariously dated through my friends' experiences, this one was definitely in the top five. Always loving and polite, friendly to everyone and treated me like a princess. I asked myself over and over again why I just couldn't be happy and love him the way he loves me. But I just can't. I can't force myself to love someone more.

I feel like a horrible person. If the last time we broke up is anything to go by, the next few weeks are going to be incredibly difficult. I know what I need to do. But its so bloody hard. I hate having to do this. I hate that I have to do it. But what other way is there?

:(

The Boyfriend scored us a free photoshoot last night at a local studio. It was located at some semi-dodgy building in a semi-dodgy part of town though the studio itself seemed quite nicely kitted out. We were given a form to fill out and for some reason, the staff thought we were married so for the heck of it, we decided to play along, claiming that we were engaged. I slipped my shiny diamond ring onto my left ring finger and waved in the consultant's face when she ooh-ed and aah-ed at my hand. Apparently, we were due to be married in February and had known each other for almost 5 years. The consultant was a bit of a dolt though, making some of the most inappropriate small-talk comments I had ever heard, including telling the Boyfriend that if he was looking for a pretty girl like me he was sure to find them easily enough if he took a walk in the local red-light district, thereby insinuating that I could have easily been a hooker.

We were herded into hair and make-up first and while the Boyfriend only took minutes to prepare, they spent ages piling thick make-up on my face and dousing my hair with hairspray. I felt like a clown afterwards. We were then ushered into a studio and took a bunch of cheesy photographs in unnatural poses. After that, it was back down to hair and make-up and a costume change. We decided to go for Japanese and I stood around while a kimono was tied around me before we went to take more photos. I have to admit, the Boyfriend did look rather delicious. He seemed so natural in taking the shots while I felt positively ridiculous throughout the whole process.

We changed back into our regular clothes after that and they brought us to a computer where our photos had been loaded onto the screen. I have to admit, some of them really did turn out quite nice. Some of the best shots were ones were I was too busy laughing at the silliness of us to notice that the camera had captured the moment. The Boyfriend commented in an off-hand way that we really did look good together in our photos and I couldn't help but agree. We did look nice together, especially in the shots where we weren't paying attention and just looking at each other.

Unfortunately, the hard sell came after that where they tried to convince us to pay an exhorbitant amount for the photos and also to book them now for our up-coming wedding (haha, which we'd almost forgotten about at that point) . We didn't get to take home any photos but we told them we'd keep them in mind for our future.

It was an interesting experience to say the least. Having the Boyfriend there made it fun despite the staff's incompetence.

Waking up next to the Boyfriend + Morning Sex = A Great Way To Start a Monday!

=D =D

Waking up at 6am + Almost getting caught having a boy in my room so early in the morning = Potentially Getting Hanged.

Thankfully it was my sister who walked in and we were both dressed and about to leave and she bought the quick cover story of how he had come by to pick up something. Thank my lucky stars she wasn't awake enough to ask what the hell he'd come to pick up at 6am on a Monday morning that couldn't have waited till later in the day. And thank God that my mom doesn't usually wake up till about 9am.

Still... that was WAY too close for comfort!

Blogs are not private.

I should have learnt this lesson a long time ago. Once upon a time, I was a very prolific blogger. I used to write posts nearly everyday, about the the random little occurances in my life, about things that made me laugh and things that drove me mad. And then one day someone read something they didn't like and started giving me grief. I stopped blogging for a few months.

Sometime later, I really missed my random posts, so I started again. This time I eliminated all names and as many traces to real life as I possibly could while still writing about my random occurances. And for a time that worked for me. I wasn't as regular about updating as before but I still blogged often enough.

And then I got stupid and showed my blog to someone I had romantic ties with. I showed it to him because I had wanted to show him how strongly I'd felt for him. But he started reading the previous posts as well to trace back how long I'd liked him only to discover that in the beginning, he was one of a couple of guys I had a crush on. That blew up in my face. He said very many nasty things about the realness of my feelings for him.

So I stopped blogging again. And when I tried to pick it up again, I found it really hard. My posts became few and far between and I wasn't as motivated to write anymore. A part of me wonders if the coincidence of starting work around the same time I stopped blogging has been a reason. I barely have time for myself anymore so blogging would naturally shift down the list of priorities.

I decided to take another stab at it. This time I moved to a brand new service provider, change the name of my blog completely and only told one other person about it. I never mentioned any names, not even my own and I've even stopped blogging when I'm upset, for fear that I'll write something in a flurry of emotions that will later come back to bite me in the ass. And yet, once again, I've been found, my inner most thoughts are under scrutiny again and my words being thrown at me.

I know its my own fault. I know that posting things on the internet for the public at large means that there is a chance that someone will stumble upon it. More so than that, writing about personal experiences will inevitably get you hurt unless you control your readership. But my ego wouldn't let me make the blog private for my friends only. There was a time on my old blog when I had random readers from around the world and had even made friends with one or two of them. A part of me secretly hoped to acheive that once again with my new blog.

I should have learnt my lesson by now. I can feel myself slipping into another hiatus, as much as I want to fight it this time and tell myself that my blog shouldn't march to someone else's tune. Whats the use anymore?

In her bid to convince me that I have made the ultimate mistake in my life and that it is her duty to change my mind, hoping that I'll come to my senses and leave the Boyfriend, my mother has turned to introducing me to what she would term as "eligible men". The first candidate is supposedly a brilliant young man with a double major degree and an MBA from somewhere in the USA, owns 3 franchises and acquiring another two, and is really good looking.

You would think that someone who sounds this good on paper had something going for him. But you'd be wrong. To humor my mother and to amuse myself, I took his email address and popped him a short note:

Hi Kxxx,

I'm (the Girl) from Singapore. My mom asked me to email you so here I am. Just wanted to say hello.

(The Girl)

There, it was short, simple, to the point. He responds:

Hi (Girl),

My parents did mention u all, guess they want us to get to know each other a lil bit. May be we can start with you, you can call me Sunny by da way.

Sunny?!! My jaw dropped as I stared at the computer screen. Sunny?!?!?! And 'da'? What, was the so difficult to spell?! On his very first impression the guy hit a personal pet peeve of mine. Nevertheless I persevered:

Hi Sunny,

If you don't mind me asking, why is your nickname Sunny? It sounds nothing like Kxxx! What do you do? I am a lawyer with a local firm and I've been working for about seven months now.

(the Girl)

And he responds (rather defensively, I thought):

Hi, I think I'm just used to SUNNY (whats up with the capitalisation there Sunny?), every one since I was little has always called me that, my family, friends, every one, my grand mom gave me that name i suppose when i was little, no one actually has called me kxxx, every one knows me by sunny [surname].......its just like that for ever, but i don't mind kxxx either, I guess its easier the other way too. I neveractually tried to shorten kxxx to sunny, its just my name that every one has always called me with.

I did my bachelors in business administration and bachelors in computer information systems (double major) from Concord University in West Virgina (USA) and MBA from University of Maryland, College Park (USA).Now I own three franchises (Subway, Pretzel Time & Mrs. Fields) in Maryland about an hour and a half north to Washington DC.

Err... that's nice? I didn't quite know how to respond to this one. That was the longest, most pointless explanation of why he was called Sunny I'd ever read! I didn't ask for an essay, a friggin' one-liner would have sufficed! And the second part just sounded as though he was applying for job or something. I know where West Virgina (pardon me, isn't there supposed to be an 'i' in Virginia??? Virgina?! Sexually deprived much?) and Maryland are, I don't need a parenthesis to explain that they're in the States. And his insult to the English language continues with the spaces between words in the wrong places. I don't reply to this one... so he gets impatient after a day:

U seem like a busy woman ....... u work in an attorney's office or u an attorney ur self???

Err... did my earlier email not mention that I was a lawyer? Or were you not reading Sunny? And if you can't even read my emails, where the words are in front of you so you can't pretend you'd forgotten, what hope does that have for a real life relationship where you won't even be listening to what I say?

Hi Sunny,

Sorry for taking so long to reply, I have been very busy lately. I am an attorney and I have a case going to trial soon, hence I'm so busy. I'm even working through the weekend.

Your work sounds interesting. I love the brownies at Mrs. Fields :) Do you drive? If so, what car do you drive? Also, I'm curious to see what you look like, send me a photo of yourself :)

Yes, I'm being rather sarcastic now but I doubt he notices. My mother did mention that he was supposedly good looking so I hoped his handsome face might save him at this point. He replies:

Hey whtzz up, (!!!!!!!!)

that sounds a busy life.......ya I drive, in fact i'm a lil car crazy guy, i have a 07 bmw 7 series 760 LI v12.

so how old are you? i'm sending couple ov casual pics, may be u could send me some of urs....

I nearly choked. He could not be serious. My mother could not be serious!! I mean, this guy?!??! Really?!?! He didn't even bother to check over his email. He couldn't be bothered to spell 'little'. And just because I asked, it doesn't me mean I can understand the gibberish that is '760 LI v12'. And no offence, but this supposedly good looking guy turned out to have greasy hair and toad eyes and a rather weird triangular shaped piece of facial hair just below his lip. I was appalled. Still I remained polite:

Hi Sunny,

You mean your work is not busy? Surely owning 3 franchises is a lot of work? What do you do everyday? (Since he seemed so surprised that I was a busy woman...)

I'm 24. How old are you? I'm emailing you from work so I'm afraid I do not have any pictures of myself on this computer. I'll send you my picture another time.

Hee. I lied :) I was at home at the time! I know I'm not a fox, but I do think I'm hot enough to say I was slightly out of his league. I didn't want him panting over his keyboard and drooling on it. And I didn't want him stalking me either. Yes, I know. I have a rather large ego for a girl.

hi,

My work is extremely busy, but i have store managers, office managers, accountants, attorneys, and lots of other staff to take care of every thing. (Yawn.) I'm usually keeping administrative checks while i'm in and out of my stores through out the day, wasie bhi I have every thing organized online where I can get minute by minute reports......gives me enough time to plan expansion....also gives me time to take vacations 3 times a year, infact I just got back from Pakistan, I was there for a month, then in Dubai for a week..... (Whatever. Snooze...)now days I'm working on another project, not sure if you have heard about these franchises called TACO BELL and TCBY, I just signed a contract with Taco Bell, (Yawn!) will be taking over a taco bell store by the end of august and a TCBY store in the mall location by next month.

Waise I love traveling, what about you? I usually make a stop over in Sheffield, about 40 minutes from london (No way, is that where London is?! WOW!) (my mamu lives there), dubai and pakistan like 3 or 4 times a year.

so where did u get ur education from and how long u been in singapore. what does ur family do, i mean what kinda profession ur dad is in n stuff. where r u guys from pak. did u get to open all the pics i sent u, if not leme know so i can send some others......hopefully u'll attach some pics with ur next emeil.....

laterzzz.

I thought his ending was rather appropriate. I was practically asleep by the end of reading his long tirade of useless information. Did I really care that he was getting another franchise? No. Did I care that he traveled to Pakistan a lot? Absolutely not. Was I appalled by his horrendous English? Hell YES. I did not bother responding this time. I told my mother that he was exactly the type of guy I had been avoiding. My mother even went on to defend him to say that perhaps he was just shy around girls and the fact that he's green is a good thing, as it showed he hadn't been around. I told her I'd rather have someone who had. She just looked scandalised and stalked off.

Hey, at least I tried. And if I'm lucky, this should keep her off my back for some time yet!