With my pregnancy well under way, I knew I shouldn't have been so surprised by my discovery this morning: I looked at my feet only to find that my toes looked like little cocktail sausages.

Yes, it seems water retention has finally plagued me at Week 36, just when I was thinking that I may be one of the lucky few to get through my entire pregnancy without it. Then again, I really should have known better, seeing as I've probably had every other common pregnancy symptom known already. And its only my first pregnancy. I feel like I've been through it all! From the un-ending morning sickness, to the aches and pains, swollen boobs, haemorroids, heartburn, swollen lady bits, not being able to sleep properly, having to pee in the middle of the night, abdominal pains, leg cramps, shortness of breath... I really could go on. Now I can add swollen feet and water retention to the list.

Still, I suppose I should be grateful that its only hit me at this late stage. I've seen ladies with swollen feet as early as their 2nd trimester and I can't imagine how uncomfortable they must have felt.

I know I post about my irration with work more often that I should but allow me a moment to go at it again:-

I've been at my present company for some 8 months now and for the initial period, it was mostly good (or as good as working in a law firm can get I suppose...). I was all happy and convincing myself that perhaps coming back to law wasn't so bad and it was just a matter of finding the right law firm with the right balance of having a decent boss, lovely colleagues and good working hours. I was pretty sure I had found a combination that worked for me and perhaps it's still true. But I think my general moodiness and unhappiness has been back on the brew in the last 2 months. I reckon its just because I am tired, especially with the manic back to back deadlines I've had and having to deal with overly demanding clients. It also doesn't help that I've been preggers and my body just gets tired and need more time to rest that I did before. I feel mentally drained and it feels like the only respite I'm gonna get is when I go on maternity leave at the end of March.

I know I need this job and I'm not going to quit just coz I've been having a rough couple of weeks. But sometimes its hard to remember the good things about it when I feel like my boss just doesn't appreciate the work I'm doing or have any clue with whats going on with a particular file only to jump in and give instructions for soemthing that isn't wholly relevent. I don't know how to raise it with him either without getting emotional (which is highly likely in my present hormonal state) and I just feel like I don't give a crap anymore about my clients or this job.

I need to figure out my life.

Happy New Year World!!!

I've been away from this blog for a long time. I've thought about coming back to it countless times but just haven't. But it is on my New Year's Resolution to write more and I'd like to revive this blog as an outlet to that endeavour.

My New Year's Resolutions for 2011 are:

1) To write more :)
I used to do this all the time, with words flowing out of my mind faster that I could type. But as I've stopped, its become harder and harder and more often than not, I'm staring at a blank Word document trying to put words down and there is just nothing coming out. It's been a life-long dream of mine to become a published author but at the rate I'm going, its not going to happen if I continue this way. So, to re-ignite my creativity, I'm hoping to write more this year. About anything and everything and I guess the easiest way to start would just be to write about my life and daily shenanigans.

2) To write monthly articles about weddings/wedding planning.
This is a recent passion of mine and something I want to build a portfolio of. I'm not sure exactly where I plan to take my portfolio but I do think it'd be mad cool to get a job writing for a bridal magazine/website. So hence, must build portfolio. The goal is to write one article every month, by the end of the month, of about 500 - 1000 words on some aspect of weddings/wedding planning. The articles will be published on my other blog Sweet Pea Soirees.

3) To get out of debt!
Last year I was unemployed for about six months in the early half of the year while I tried to launch my own wedding planning business. While I did get to work on some weddings last year, unfortunately, I didn't make enough money to support myself and ended up making a horrible mess of my finances. NG too was between jobs and I eventually had to bite the bullet and get a proper job. I tried looking for things that were wedding planning related but without much experience in the field, no one was looking to hire to me and I was over qualified for shop jobs. In desperation, I joined a law firm. The pay has been pretty decent and I've been incredibly lucky to find a boss and colleagues that I get along well with. Unfortunately, that debt I'd accumulated during my unemployed state still looms over my head, even though things are much better now and I've been trying to pay off my debts since I started working again. This year's goal involves saving a bit more money to put towards getting out of debt and never being as broke and miserable as we were in the first half of 2010.

4) To be a good mom
Lol, yes, I am preggers and about 6 months along now. NG and I certainly hadn't planned to have kids so soon and I'm thankful that I got pregnant after things started to look better for us finance-wise. But money aside, I really hope to be a good parent from the outset. Growing up, I had a lot of issues with my mother and to a large extent, I still do. I think I've come to terms that she just is the way she is but in so many ways, I have promised myself that I will be different when it comes to raising my own kids. I just hope I put into practice all that I had promised myself.

And finally, my perenial favourite:

5) To get back into shape.
With the madness that was 2010, I really let myself go in terms of taking care of my body. I've eaten a lot of junk and put on weight and have all but stopped exercising regularly. I hope to change that this year, especially after the baby is born in April.

So its been about 10 months since my last post. In that time, quite a few things have changed though I still feel like the same person.

1. I got married to NG. Twice. After months of madness, its finally all over and we've nicely settled into being Mr. & Mrs. (though saying the word "Husband" still sounds strange to my own ears). We had two 'big days', the first in November 2009 and then again in February 2010 and by then, we had made everyone else happy. The parents got what they wanted: a show for their respective friends.

2. I left the corporate world, determined never to come back...only to crawl back 6 months later, cash strapped and desperate. But lucky for me, I managed to find an awesome job with a great boss and I'm actually happy where I am. I realised that not everyone is cut out for a big law firm and sometimes, to find that right balance between working and living (yes, it does exist!) you've gotta give on somethings. I may not be earning as much as I was before, but if you look at what I earn now divided by the number of hours I have to work, I think I'm doing much better than I was before. My office is too small for office politics and I get on great with my colleagues and even my boss.

3. I started my own business and its still running, albeit on a smaller scale. I still love wedding planning and I have a few clients lined up here and there. Its great to have something outside of law that keeps me busy.

4. I got pregnant. Haha. This one I'm still getting used to! I found out a couple of weeks ago that NG and I are expecting. This is partially also what has led to a revival of this blog. I thought it might be nice to document this new chapter of my life and who knows, maybe someday Little G will be able to read it too.

Good God... this time next week I'll be Mrs. G!

:-O

I've been so busy with sorting out the details for the wedding and shuttling between the apartment and my parents' house (which I have now taken to refering to it as, even though I haven't officially moved out) since my stuff is all over the place. I haven't really thought about it much, except to wish it was over already just so that my mother would stop being Mother-Kong. I don't think it'll really hit me until Wednesday, when my MoH arrives.

Work has been driving me nuts lately. I thought that maybe if I changed firms, things would be better but I hate to say it: they've gotten worse.

I've had people tell me that I need to change my perception and negativity and just get on with it. Afterall, I'm getting married in about 3 months and with a mortgage on the way as well, I really can't afford to be unemployed. Fair point, I suppose but not when the very thought of being here makes me want to lie down on a busy highway and get run over just so that I can get medical leave and not have to come to work.

People have asked me what it is that I hate about my job so much and for awhile, I could not put it into words. Now though, I can't stop:

1. The work scope. I have never really cared for anything finance/company law related. Big banks suing people for loans, rich companies suing other rich companies for money. People suing other people for damaging their boats. Yawn.

2. The research and the memos. Once upon a time, the idea of working in a career that was set in its ways didn't seem so bad. Afterall, most of the novel arguments had already been thought of and Judges tend to like to stick with what another Judge has already acknowledged. Case law gets entrenched in itself and all you have to do is find a successful case that sounds kinda like your own factual scenario, argue that what ever was decided there should apply to you as well and then everyone can be on their merry way. Except no two cases are alike, the parties differ, the lawyers differ, the facts differ and the state of the economy differs. Yet, the bosses expect you to trawl through every possible case (read = look for a needle in a haystack) until you find that one case that fits so that everyone can run with it.

3. As an associate, you do the shit work that no one wants to do. They call it "training" and "working your way to the top". And when I say shit work, I mean the researching, the sifting through reams of documents, the binding and photocopying. Its incredibly dull and half the time meaningless.

4. Being bound to a desk. Often for periods much longer than 9am - 5pm. Try more like 9am to 2am. Then you crawl home to your bed, not bothering to eat or talk to anyone along the way because it takes up too much energy/time and collapse, only to have to wake up the next morning at 7am and trudge your way back to the office.

5. Being bossed around by the Boss. Having to meet ridiculously unrealistic deadlines and trying to do your best while still getting yelled at.

I realise its more than just the things that are "typical" to being a legal associate. I dislike the job scope and what the job typically entails. More than that, I don't see myself being a top lawyer one day. I don't look at my bosses and think to myself, wow, one day I will be just like them in their cozy offices. Instead I feel sorry for them. They barely have time to spend with their wives and kids (its a wonder that they found the time to get married at all) or pursue any leisure related activities.

Ultimately, I realise that it was never my ambition to be a lawyer. When I was younger, I never participated in debates. I chose to go to law school as an alternative to going to med school (Father was a doctor and all that. Had high hopes I'd take after him and if not, go into an equally "respectable" professional career). I did a series of internships, thinking it wasn't all that bad being lawyer, only to discover later on, after I had become a lawyer that the HR people would send out an internal memo to all lawyers, especially associates, to be extra nice to interns and give them the impression that it was great to be a lawyer. All the more to lull them into the misapprehension that they were making the right career choices if they joined our firm. Boy, was I duped.

So here I am. Still miserable and hating my job and thinking about all the other things I would rather be doing with my life. Feeling scared that even though I want to quit so badly and follow my real interests, that I won't make as much money as I am now and might not be able to pay my mortgage in a few months time. It sucks but that's reality I guess.

I am willing myself to hold on till the wedding. Who knows, things might change (unlikley) but at least I'd have earned a couple more thousands by then to bouy me for awhile. If I haven't already snapped by then!

What makes me sad is that NG and I haven't argued this much as we have over the details of our wedding. On some days, we bicker about what colours we like, on others, its a full blown shouting match on the limitations we are facing because so and so's family is being a pain.

Apparently, its normal for couples to argue in the run up to their marriage. It could be that we're both just blowing things out of proportion due to our stress levels. Still, its hard to deal with this without wondering whether we're rushing into things.